Just do better

I don't know what to say.  I stare at the keys beneath my finger tips, hoping they will make something beautiful and articulate.  Instead they are frozen. Untouched awaiting the moment when my words make sense.  I'm torn between the right words and the real ones.

How do you get back to Jesus?  Now, I know the obvious answers to the question.  You have the standard quiet time and read your Bible more.  Everyone recites a variation of those words, we have been conditioned to say that, no one challenges it.  There is definitely nothing wrong with making sure you do a quiet time or read your Bible, but for me it ends up being, just do better.  If I simply do better in these areas then, Jesus and I will be A-Okay.  A friend recently, challenged me in this area when she asked me to answer this question without typical Christian jargon.  

How do YOU get back to Jesus?

I couldn't answer the question.  The fact that I couldn't give a correct response was extremely frustrating.  I know the answer! I didn't understand why she wasn't accepting my answer when I knew I was right.  Yet, there was a disconnect between my head and my heart.  When I spoke behind every syllable I was saying, "just do better."  I didn't realize it at the time and instead of going to my Saviour, I decided to dwell on it until I figured out a solution.  Because that's what I do, it's kinda my thing.  

After much dwelling, I flit through my Bible.  I go where I last had my quiet time, ages ago.  I read it with a convicted Spirit.  I fixate on the words, unsure if I want them to sink in.  However, the words sink faster than the Titanic.  Oohhh, too soon?  

I am discerning some things that I believe Jesus is asking me to do demonstrate His sovereignty and call me back to Him.  I'm not particularly keen on the ideas that are floating around in my head, but I know that the reliance on Jesus that it required is what I need. The way I love Jesus may look completely different, but God has made each of us unique to worship Him and give Him all the glory.  It is a discredit to the Creator of the universe to box in your relationship with Him.  

This Doesn't Feel Like I'm 22

 I can't.  I can't even.  I mean. I can't.  Like what?

You know when something so ridiculous happens, you can't help but make it a joke?  Well, this has become my life. I would like to think of my self as a mature, responsible adult.  My parents have raised me to be a functioning member of society that is independent.  I paid for my education(primarily out of pocket), I pay my own bills(thankful when my parents helped me out, but never asked for help), and I flew across to a completely new continent where I didn't know a single soul.  If that doesn't say I have my ish together and I am talking full advantage of my youth, I don't know what does.

While it may seem that I am this cool, adventures person, I am very much a homebody.  I always enjoyed the social events for Sigma Alpha, but I was equally happy staying home. One thing I am discovering about myself is that I am introverted.  I very rarely will initiate friendships. I am pretty weird and awkward around people and I am already building my life from the ground up with no existing foundation, so often times I am on the computer talking to my friends and family that I love and miss. Where I live, the WiFi is not in constant access.  I turn it on when I use it, and unplug it when I am done.  The rule is beneficial when I am on Pinterest when I should be trying to sleep, and nuisance when I am talking to a friend back home and the WiFi gets turned off.  The internet is the one of the only ways that I am able to talk to everyone, and unless I am at home I am not connected to the world wide web, which for my generation is quite unusual.  I have found it challenging and freeing to not have the world at my fingertips, but nothing could prepare me for this challenge.

Three hours.  What could you do with three hours? What would you do for three hours?  Is it too much, too little?  I guess without context, three hours can mean anything.  How about three hours a day of internet? Is that even possible nowadays?  Well, let me set the scene of how this whole three hours Internet access business came about.  I was summoned out of my room into the lounge.  We sat down to discuss somethings she would like me to change.  Namely, being in my room on the Internet.  I was informed that I am not taking advantage of my time in the UK.  I should meet new people, get out more.  Everyone is new to me, I am introduced to someone new one the regular. Also, at the moment I have a severe case of homesickness, the Internet allows me connect with people that I don't get to see ever. I have thought of deactivating my Facebook for awhile because of the amount of time I spend on it, but I find it is the easiest way to arrange Skype dates.  Let me just say, I thoroughly enjoy my life in Southampton, but another aspect of my life is six hours behind in small town Texas.

Three hours a day, but not in the morning.  I kept my composure on the outside but I did not take this news well.  I feel as though I am a child being grounded.  I am all for parents monitoring their child's internet access. However, I am twenty-two.  I am also not her child, and capable of making my own decisions on what I would consider a successful year abroad.  If that is spending 12 hours on the computer when I have a day off, then so be it. It's my life, YOLO(I'm so sorry I said that but not sorry enough to erase it.) I'll be honest, I can't tell if I don't like this rule because I simply don't like people telling me what to do or if I am being convicted by the Spirit to be wise in how I spend my time and I am terrible with change.

Trusting Jesus in Vulnerbility

So, clearly I have not been blogging for a little over a month now.  I could use a plethora of excuses that could validate my lack of blog posts, but honestly, my lack of posts reflect my lack of fellowship with God.  My blog is about what God is doing in my life and in my relationship with Him, and I can't write about something that isn't happening at the moment.

Some of the questions we reflect on in our Huddles.

As part of my year with Transform, I spend my Tuesdays doing SMD, School of Missional Disciple-Making, learning all Godly leadership, and how to make disciples that make disciples that make disciples.  Right now we are going over Huddles, which are groups that allow for leaders to have support/accountability from one another.  I'm not a big fan of Huddles.  Mostly, because of the expected vulnerability that comes with the group, and I find it difficult being fully transparent with people.

When I was younger I wanted to be the female version of James Dean.  The mysterious new kid that no one can quite figure out.  Well, apparently, I am actually really easy to read. I'm quiet in big groups, especially on the topic of feelings, and I smile when I am uncomfortable and unsure what I am suppose to do.  Both of which were pointed out by my Huddle leaders, when we met up on an individual basis.  I was surprised, and slightly disappointed because that means I was definitely not James Dean-esque.
For the past couple days, I have been dwelling on what it means to trust people and allow myself to share with people on more intimate level.  In reflecting on that, I began looking at how I view the Author of my Salvation and what does trusting in Him actually mean? Do I trust Him with my everything?  Do I trust Him with my feelings?  With my mundane thoughts?  I'm not sure, I think mostly I try and have everything under control, saying that God has control over it and I trust Him, but really I am like a big sister that gives her little sister a Barbie to play with and after ten minutes, the big sister wants the Barbie back because she thinks her sister will break or ruin the Barbie.  God won't ruin my life.  God wants a relationship.  Relationships have feelings, vulnerability, ups, and downs.  He wants it all.

This blog is one of the first steps in vulnerability for me.  I am never like, "Yay, I get to write another blog post!"  I knew in the very beginning that I was going to discuss things I didn't want to talk about.  I knew it would be difficult to share what the Lord is teaching me, rather than just straight up teach.  But I love Jesus.  I love that He died on the Cross for my sins, and defeated the grave by resurrecting three days later.  I love that when I don't want to pursue Him, He was always pursuing me.

In Over My head

I'm not quite sure how to properly express the feelings I am experiencing at the moment.  You know the queasiness in your stomach and the lump in your throat when you are about to do something you feel is completely out of your element?  Yeah, that's me.  So, what is making feel all nervous and anxious? Bible study.  More specifically, a Bible study that I am kinda starting up.

 I wanted to get involved in a home group at ABC, but the thought of joining an already established home group didn't sit well with my Spirit.  In the following weeks, I found girls that I wanted to love on and learn more about Jesus with, but was still unsure how to do this in a non-awkward way.  In a passing conversation with a friend, I discovered that she was not in a home group but would like to be in one but none of the home groups offered fit with her schedule.  I suggested getting together to do a Bible study, and then she told me of other girls not involved in a home group but wanting to be in one.  Now I have a small group of young women about to arrive to my house.  How the heck did this happen?

I think that a majority of my nerves stem from the fact that I don't want to be the leader, and I feel that because I am organizing it, that the girls will look at me like I have everything figured out.  I Don't. I am broken, and I haven't the fainest idea of what I am doing.  I have only participated in Bible studies before, sometimes halfheartedly.  I wish I paid more attention to the studies I did when I was a young Christian, then I think I may feel more prepared. I would feel more competent and not like I am wading in unknown waters.  

I have mixed feelings about the unknown.  By that I mean, I hate planning it is the bane of my existence, however,  the endless possibilities and outcomes wreck havoc on my mind.  Basically, I am an over-thinker.  So in my mind, I have already found a bajillion flaws with the study.  All of them focusing on me and my insecurities. What if I am expected to know all the answers? What if no one talks? What if no one comes, how will that reflect back onto me?  I'm allowing questions like these dictate my actions, instead of trusting in God through this process.  Ultimately, this is about God and giving Him the praise and glory.  We get the privilege of learning more about our Saviour, and share all that He is teaching us on an individual basis with a group of believers. This Bible study is such a great growing opportunity for everyone involved because we get to mold it into exactly what we want and need for our own personal relationship with Christ.  That is way cool.  I get to know Jesus more by what He is doing in the lives of my sisters in Christ.  God is all about relationships, being real and authentic with Him, as well, as each other.  It is a lesson I am constantly being reminded of. I still have no clue what I am doing but I am just going to go with it, trusting that God knows what He is doing.

Ransomed Bride

I have been ransomed. You have been ransomed. We have been ransomed.  I think sometimes we forget that Jesus paid the ransom for us all, for all of us.  We may look at sin, and rank it from Not That Bad to I Can't Believe I/You Did That.  Then we determine whether or not is okay to confess it-to ourselves,someone else, or even Jesus. 

It is extremely aggravating.  A million thoughts come to mind during the process of confession.  A million What ifs. What if they judge me?  What if they don't forgive me?  What if this changes everything?  Then if the worst case scenario is so detrimental, we keep silent. The torture of unspoken struggles seem an easier burden than the knowledge that someone knows our sin.  And not just sin but THE SIN.  The sin that we feel defines us and our sinfulness.  This is a way bigger deal than when you got caught shoplifting teeth whitening strips(True life, this happened when I was 16, I was so devastated at the time, not because I got caught but because it was TEETH WHITENING STRIPS, like who does that? Me.) This is Oh-No-We-Are-On-This-Topic-I-Am-Just-Going-To-Be-Silent sin.  These are all things I have felt and I use the pronoun we, because it makes me feel better thinking I am not alone in this.  

We start to look at ourselves and others through this narrow lens, limiting everything that Jesus can do through us and others.  We see ourselves as broken but not restored.  I know that when I mess up, I just want to curl up in a ball because I have no idea how I am going to get back in God's good graces and if I just don't move then everything will be fine.  The Holy Spirit has to talk me out of this Spiritual depression, reminding me, He sees me as clean and pure.  We have been made perfect by the blood of Jesus, but we are still being sanctified.  What the heck does that mean??? It means that when I mess(and I will because I am human,) The Lord still sees me as perfect.  I am so extremely thankful for this, because now I can be honest when I fall short.  My "major" sin is equal to your "minor" sin, and when God looks at us, He sees no sin.  Hallelujah! I get the privilege of learning all that Jesus has done in your life and share all He has taught me, an ever-changing cycle of what God saved us from to a what He saved us to, which is Himself.

I love when The Lord reminds me of His graciousness.  I love that He has surrounded me with men and women that desire to know God more, and will call me out when I have forgotten how mighty a Saviour I serve.  I am thankful that He met me in my mess and loves me enough to take the punishment I deserve, dying a sinner's death in my place.  I love that He calls me, "MINE."  

Establishing a Community

I LOVE being here.  I know that there are some of you reading this, having mixed emotions about that statement.  Excited that I am exactly where God wants me and sadden by the possibility of my being in a permanent state of here.  It's weird, that after the first full week of being in Southampton, I felt a real peace about the friendships and life I am building in this season.  My entire college career, I felt that I was suppose to be somewhere else, a real urge to just go.  There was always a goal.  If I just get through this term, this year, this degree plan, then I can go.  Now...I just want to be.  I have no endgame.

What does the dream look like?  Honestly, far better than I imagined or could ever put into words.  I get to rely on Jesus, totally dependent of the King of Kings and it is a major blessing.  Of course, I thankfully have the freedom and ability to do that anywhere, an aspect of the blessing is that God is gracious enough to allow me to do it in a place I love and always dreamed of going.  I am surrounded by brothers and sisters in Christ that desire to know Jesus more today than the day before.  It is mental to think of the passion that these men and women have to share the love,grace and mercy of Jesus Christ.  It is such an encouragement to hear what they are learning in his or her personal walk with Jesus, and the desire to serve Him in anyway that can glorify Him and advance His kingdom.

The authenticity at ABC is such an answer to prayers, but also a challenge for me to make sure that I am being as real with them as they are being with me.  I dislike talking about myself, if you have walked with me long enough, you know exactly what I mean.  I share enough to answer the question, but then deflect and tend to turn the conversation back to the other person.  I am more than happy to listen and give advice when necessary.  However, I am surrounded by a group of women that are not letting that happen.  Jules will often share how the Lord is teaching,challenging, and growing her. She is so passionate about what the Lord is doing in her life, I absolutely love hearing her speak, but typically she will end her conversation abruptly saying, "Anyway, what about you, mate?" I am seriously always caught off guard, but I love the fact that she wants me to share everything, not because she is nosy but she wants me to be comfortable and offer advice/help where she can. Jules genuinely wants to know where Jesus and I are in our walk and I am extremely grateful for her friendship. Recently, I was asked, "What are three things you like about yourself?"  Uhhhh....what?  While I tried changing the subject( several times according to Ruth,) I loved that question because it got me thinking about what negative attributes came to mind before the positive, how I see myself, and ultimately how I view the Creator.

While it hasn't even been a full month, my time in Denton seems like a a lifetime ago.  There are things and people I miss, but for the most part, I'm not homesick.  I feel a slight tinge of guilt in admitting that, but I am surrounded by people that teaching me how to love Jesus better, demonstrating that leadership resides in the humble acts of service, and showing me the grace freely given to all by the blood of Jesus on the Cross.  How can I not love it here?

Formation

Has it really been less than a week since I arrived in Southampton?  It feels like I have been here for ages.  The days are sort of blending in together and I am unsure if it is because of the jet lag or because I have done something everyday upon arrival.

Love.  As a leader, I think that sometimes we forget that love is the entire reason we have a relationship with a holy God.  In an abundance of love, He created us to walk along side Him.  When we sinned against Him, He still desired us enough to send His Son to die on the Cross in our place, so that we could be counted as righteous through the blood, death and resurrection of Christ.  These past two days have been excellent reminders that love is at the heart of our ministry, it is easy to begin to see Sunday as another work day, rather than a day to worship and have fellowship with other believers.  I find it fascinating that our ability to love is because He first loved us, so our love for Him is a mere reflection of His love, meaning He gets all the glory and it has absolutely nothing to do with us.  It is all about Jesus.

I wasn't quite sure what to expect Tuesday morning, heading to the Formation conference.  I envisioned team building exercises, and trust falls centering around talks of Jesus.  Yet, what I received was far better.  We arrive to a lunch of hot dogs(more like extra long vienna sausages), nearly fifty other men and women at the camp doing a similar program to Transform in churches all over England.  We get a schedule of the events of the days to come.  It is jam packed from nine in the morning to nine in the evening.  Divided into sections of meals, refreshments, and seminars throughout the day.  Reading the list of seminars, each better than the one previously read.  Into into spiritual leadership, Deepening your doctrine, Growing as a servant. Those are only to name a few.  Everything was Christ-centered.


I met so many great people at Formation.  Everyone got along, mixing and mingling with one another.  The group was so diverse; English, Welsh, Chinese, American(there was a couple from Colorado!), Australian.  Each praising Jesus, thanking Him for the grace we undeserving receive, but gratefully accept.  Despite a wicked case of jet lag, I refused to miss out on the opportunity to have Jesus talks with new friends, often staying up until midnight.  The first night, unpacking what predestination and free will mean, and the impacts either have.  Like many of those conversations, it was left with no definitive answer. The second night, drawing a crude map of the United States and naming off the states with the help of the other American couple.  It's great knowing that God calls so many people to take part of His plan.  We aren't essential, but greatly desired to partake, again what a relief knowing it has everything to do with Him and nothing to do with me.

I don't think there are words for me to accurately sum up everything about these past few days.  I am grateful for the opportunity of soaking up the knowledge and wisdom of more mature Christians.  It was amazing to simply relish in the grace of God, encouraged as each of us embark on a year of reliance and unknown, reminded that God knows the beginning, middle, and end of each story and what this year holds.

Southampton, UK

Well, it has been a few days since arrival. Actually, it's only been one but i feel as though it's been ages since I left the states.  Partly, because of the jet lag and partly, because everything that has gone on since landing in Heathrow.  I was greeted at the airport and immediately whisked away to the Tuck house, a family heavily involved at Above Bar and Transform.  The Tuck family is so welcoming and charming, I love chatting with them. After about an hour, we went to the 11 am morning service.  It is always interesting to see how different churches and cultures worship the same God.  I'm not particularly fond of the worship style but I feel that will change once I become accustomed.  I met so many people after that service, I hardly remember any of their names or faces.   A normal person would go to sleep after such a long flight, but I am not normal.

I had my first English meal after church. I ate gammon, which is ham, mashed potatoes and gravy, and parsnips. While I was anticipating bland food, it was quite flavorful and yummy. One stereotype busted! Actually, not really, because I have had bland food since then. Instead of going to sleep I went to the house I would be staying out, took a nap, and went back to Above Bar for an evening service.  The evening service was more my style. I met EVEN MORE people and had lovely conversations.  I finally went home and passed out.

I woke way earlier than expected, 7:30 in the morning. I was surprised. I unpacked my bags. I have a wardrobe, just like in Narnia! While unpacking I realized that I have very little clothing, it's amazing how little three suitcases hold when you a weight restriction. I took the bus into town. Now, let me just say, I know that English people drive on the "wrong" side of the rode, I was prepared for that, but  I still found my self having mini heart attacks when a car would turn into "on coming traffic." Also, the roads seem only wide enough to be one way, yet are two ways and have cars parked on the street. I feel that helps justify my heart attacks.  At church today we briefly discusses everything that Transform is about, what they desire out of the program and us.  I love how much Dan and Chris emphasize continual pursuit of our own relationship with Christ and how it's just as important to be poured into, as much as it is important to pour out.  There are three other Transform workers, Jules, Luke, and George. I believe that we get along great and will have tons if fun and adventures together.

On the way home, I had a chat with Jules about things The Lord may be challenging her in and how God provides blessings amidst struggles. It was a brief moment but I loved it, and it reminded me about all the Jesus centered discussion I had in Texas.  I got home and realized I forgotten to pack some essentials. Recalling a grocery store not far from where I live, I ventured off to the great unknown of Southampton! Ten minutes into my walk, I feared that I went the wrong way, but, I already committed to the path so I trekked on. Thankfully, I succeeded in finding Sainsbury. Once back home, I got to have a conversation with my best friend, Brittany Mercer. It was so nice to hear her voice and know that an ocean will not hinder the level of intimacy in our friendship.

The hospitality that I have received thus far is such a gift. I have witnessed Jesus in everything that has happened in the last few days, confirming that this is where Jesus meant for me to be.  Although I do miss everyone and knowing exactly what a person is saying, or knowing that when I say outlet, the person knows I mean a wall socket.  These past few days have drawn me closer to Him, so I can only image what eleven months of utter reliance( not that I won't be relying on Him after that, hopefully, you know what I'm trying to convey) can bring forth to my walk.

Allons-y!

I can't believe it's here.  A mere seven hours before my plane takes off and then I will be in Southampton, England.  Fourteen hours later of course, but still.  I am trying to process all the emotions at the moment. I think that once I get onto the plane, I will be able to relax and just enjoy this gift that God has given me.  Right now, I am simply thinking of all the things that can still go wrong on the way from my driveway to the airport.  But those are distractions, and nothing can stop me from going if it is His will for me to be there.  Jesus is so stinkin' good to me!

 The overwhelming amount of grace and blessings that have been an out pour of God's steadfast love for me is truly humbling.  I have done nothing to deserve going to England.  Europe had become an idol, and I was pursuing my flesh because I thought it would bring more satisfaction than the presence of God. I didn't even care that is was untrue and weighed myself down with what the world said mattered, but Jesus beckoned me back to Him. Thankfully, I realized how satisfying Jesus is and surrendered my idols, having no desire to step foot in England or a European country.  A week later Above Bar Church emailed asking for an interview for Transform.  There was so much discernment in accepting the interview, I had just given this idol up and I specifically asked God for the people at Above Bar to either not respond or tell me no.  I always get a chuckle at how many times I have asked something of God and He, in His all knowing kindness, did the exact opposite.  I am extremely blessed that the Lord gave me back something that my heart desired.  However, I would just like to say that does not always happen.  Giving something up to God, doesn't mean He will give it back once you have learned your lesson, that is law not grace. Giving up whatever you hold dearest means you are giving Him complete control and trust, allowing Him to do His will for your life that will bring the most glory to His name.  Sometimes He gives it back, other times He has something better.

A common question I have been getting lately is, what am I most nervous/scared about? Mostly, I am nervous about creating new relationships and community.  I have amazingly Godly friends that push me towards Christ even when I don't want to. There have been moments where I am afraid that this isn't where Jesus wants me, but then I remind myself all that has occurred over the last few moments, and it is clear that I am meant to go to Southampton.  I am so thankful for my relationship with Christ and the opportunity to grow in my walk by being completely out of my comfort zone.  My dear friend, Kourtney Carnes, reminded me that if I am walking in His will and all I have is the Lord, what a great place to be! I get to be with Him and comforted by the Highest of High.  I can't wait for this new season to begin. I love that God is allowing me to be used for His Kingdom and glory.

Season Finale

I moved out of my apartment today. It is surreal knowing that I no longer live with Mariah or Paige, and if I want to come over I have to knock. Driving out of Denton and towards Prosper, I couldn't help but have a heavy heart as I leave the town that I made my home for the past two years and friends that I did life with on a regular basis.  It is hard for me to fully grasp how soon this chapter of my life is ending.

I never imagined that I would be living in Denton, or attending University of North Texas.  I thought that Denton was too close to home for comfort and that UNT is a slight step up from community college.  Yet, I am so thankful for a God that has a better plan for my life than I fathom.  He knew that Denton was were I needed to be to draw closer to Him.  Staying local allowed me the freedom to see my family, or receive their help if needed.  UNT enabled me find a group of girls that love the Lord and desire to know Him more, and it redirected my career path.  Denton is one of those towns that you love or hate.  It's weird, funky, and overrun by hipsters, but I love it dearly.  I would not have wanted to go to any other college.  However, I am so thankful that I am done with school. FINALLY.

Graduating on time seemed like an unrealistic goal.  I dislike school, and my GPA reflected the sentiment.  Wellll, mostly it reflects what happens when you take a high GPA, decide to take fifteen hours and never attend or withdraw from class.  The things I would do differently if I was nineteen again.  However, the fact that I am graduating the summer I was intended to graduate is such a blessing, I did not expect that when I walked into my advising appointment last fall. Getting my degree in August allows me to go to Southampton and not worry about school. EVER AGAIN.

The one thing that I am bummed about no longer being in college is Sigma Alpha.  Sigma is exactly want I needed starting UNT in 2011, without it I would have simply gone to work, school, and church.  Checking the boxes as I went on.  I found many of my best friends in the sorority and they have all pushed me past my comfortability and towards Christ.  I am so thankful for each of those girls, and I am going to miss them so much.

Jesus knew what He was doing when He redirected me to Denton.  I had no clue what was in store for me over the next few years, when I registered for classes.  He gave me a passion for a particular people group and a heart to mission, but before I could share the amazing grace and mercy offered by Jesus' death and resurrection, I needed to focus on my personal relationship with Him.  I thought I was gonna travel the world and share the Word, and get results, but never allowing the vulnerability of sharing myself or my struggles. He has shone me time and time again that it is all about the relationship. Jesus and me, the church and me, accountability partners and me.  I am never alone.  I have to do life and do it with others, whether I am having a good day or bad day.  Showing my weaknesses and seeing how they are made strong through Christ is amazing and is what is so attractive about the Gospel.  I will never be able to reconcile myself to God, but HE wanted a relationship with ME that He sent His Son to die on the Cross, conquering death three days later, reconciling me to God through His blood.  It's never about me, and I am never alone.  Denton, a few degrees cooler than Dallas.

Adding a Single Hour

Remember the night before you began middle school or junior high or whatever name you called the grades in between elementary school and high school, you dreamed you are assigned the top locker but are far too short to reach the combination? The shear panic that engulfs you. You are not ready, you can't do this, not now, maybe it isn't too late for your mother to home school you.  For me, I was so nervous that I put my new school outfit on at 3 am, causing my mother to think I slept in my outfit unknowing that I barely slept that night.  Perhaps, you didn't have this dream or anxiety towards the sixth grade but I am sure I am not alone in the overactive imagination of the unknown.  This is my life.

I can't sleep very well.  I go to bed just before the sun rises only to wake moments after the sun peaks out from the horizon.  I haven't been able to nap or go for a run.  I am wound up with no release.  Please, don't talk to me or touch me, your very presence annoys me.  A list runs through my head of what needs to get done.  The list is not just one of the day, week, or month, this list gets me from point A to point B. Denton to Southampton.  The list does not seem to be getting any shorter, in fact it seems to be getting longer.  I go over every situation.  If I had done x instead of y then I wouldn't have to worry about z.  Was this really the right decision? Is this what God wanted me to do?  There was nothing inherently wrong with it, but could it have been postponed? How is this going to affect my life in England?  Is England still an option?  What if I made the wrong decision and now I can't go?  Should I just back out before I get told no?  Maybe I should talk to the Lord about this?  What if He says something I don't like, He does that sometimes.  Ahhhhhhhhh.  No.  I can't.  I decide that God will most certainly say something I do not want to hear, therefore, I will simply keep on keeping on.  I can sleep when I'm dead.  I know I'm wrong. My God does not say anything to hurt me but to heal me and if I don't get something it is for His glory and my betterment(is this a word? if not it is now) not because He is cruel that would be contradictory to His character.  I know this.  So, why is there a disconnect in my mind, thinking that giving my stresses and anxieties to the Lord is an automatic forfeit of the blessings He has rewarded/preparing me for?  

Greatness is formed in the hearts of the humble and obedient through trials.  Throughout the Bible, God shaped men and women into something remarkable.  Moses, Deborah, Rahab, David, Esther, Peter, Paul.  There is a clear transformation from what they once were to people God molded them to bring His name glory, it is not always easy or desired, depending on how much God has revealed.  I don't want to be great but I do want to glorify Him and bring glory to His name.  I so desperately want to see all God has planned this next year that I have forgot He is my manna and instead focused on little things, holding on to them as though they had the answers.  Everything is already His. My worries, triumphs, anxieties, and victories, known to Him far before they occur, I give it back to Him as a reminder to myself that He says who He says He is and can do all He says He can do.

The Perspective of a King

I'm awkward.  I'm the girl that doesn't think before she speaks, and ends up putting her foot in her mouth.  The girl that makes obscure movie references, and then has to explain said reference.  The one  that is about to graduate college with a Little Mermaid blanket and Pillow Pets on her bed.  I have heard that awkwardness is a phase many people tend to grow out of after middle school.  I on the other hand, seem to be increasingly more awkward with each passing year.  My quirks have given me an acute awareness of self and a keen sense of humor.  Yet, the view I hold of myself cannot compare to the view that a King has of me.

Enthrall.  I love that word. It is such a deep, throaty word, I can't help but fall in love.  Enthrall.  Ahhh, if a boy told me he was in enthralled by me, I think I would ask him to marry me.  Just kidding, but my knees would definitely buckle after that sentence.  Here I am gushing over the possible fantasy of a man being enthralled, and I miss out on the beauty in Scripture, the king is enthralled by me(Ps. 45:11)!  How can a man compare to an eternal King?  I get so tunneled vision on wondering where on Earth this man that is going to make my heart flutter is, that I forget I already have it all in Christ.  Gosh, this sounds so similar to every romantic comedy.  I apologize for the cheesiness, I will try and contain it from now on.  Every word uttered by Jesus Christ is well thought out, and effortlessly articulated.  He never says anything that is untrue.  Yet, it seems easier to discount the adoration of a Savior than the infatuation of man.  

Everyone knows that the perfect and the imperfect do not go together.  When I focus on my imperfections and measure them to the perfection of Christ, of course they are not going to go fit.  It is like putting a puzzle together.  You have two pieces that you know are in the same section but need a third piece to complete the scene.  The interlocking puzzle piece between perfection and imperfection is grace.  The grace extended to me by the Cross, allows me to have a relationship with a perfect God.  Enables me to be seen beautiful and without blemish by a King(Sg. 4:7).  I can continue to see myself as what the world deems attractive and manipulate my body to fit such an outlandish definition or I can see myself as God deems attractive and embrace everything that I am because I am who He says I am.  I don't have to change, simply accept.  I may never have an Earthly husband, who knows the crazy plans the Lord has for me, and other than rendering my wedding board on Pinterest useless,  it should have no affect on my life because I have a Heavenly husband. My worth is not defined by the world but by the blood dripping down a man in a crown of thorns and in a definitive voice calling me His.  So why settle for the stable boy when I can have the King?  

Desiring Security While Acting in Disobedience

I like to know what's going on.  I like to know the plan and prepare or brace myself for the outcomes.  How this plays out at work is, there is a schedule that shows when cashiers come in, go to breaks and leave.  I have to look at this dang sheet of paper every time I work, my bosses are technically the only people to see it but I desire the comfort of figuring out who is going to relieve me or when I go to my breaks or who I am going to be working with that day.  I don't think these are necessarily bad things to want to know, but they have absolutely know bearing in my life yet I continue to attempt and look at this sheet even though I shouldn't and have been told I am not allowed to look.

I am a hard-core procrastinator,  mostly because what I have to accomplish is extremely boring and requires effort.  Why would I want to waste effort on things that are boring?  I wouldn't, so I rarely do.  Until the last possible second, and then I am racing the clock to complete the task regretting the opportunities that I didn't take to finish the task well so it doesn't look like a chaotic mess. I have had four years of college and I don't think I ever thought about doing an assignment until the night before it was do.  What the heck? That is ridiculous and no wonder I hate school, I am getting very little out of it aside from stress.  Also, there are other reasons I hate school like the collective conscience that everyone's intelligence should be based on a system that considers everyone the same when in actuality they are individuals with different strengths and weaknesses annnddd I digress.  I am not only allowing this to affect my school, it affects my walk with Christ.

The other day, I was talking with some people about how he or she distinguishes the Lord's voice from his or her own voice.  Do you hear a different voice or do you hear your own voice but you know it's not you?  Majority said that it was there own voice, which was a relief to me because if everyone else heard like a Morgan Freeman voice from God and I'm just over hear listening to this voice that I think is God but it sounds like me, there is a problem.  Side-note: He has started calling me Beloved, which is super precious and helps me figure out if it is really Him or it's just me wanting it to be Him.  Now, the Lord has revealed several things to me recently. 1) I am going to Europe 2) I am graduating in August 3) If I don't start actively pursuing Him I don't get to partake in all the great things He has planned for me. His has revealed other things but those are things blog readers aren't privy to know, sorry boutcha. Since He has revealed these things to me, you would think that I would be earnestly seeking after Him, and I was for a moment.  In those moments, I got accepted to be a part of Transform, I got to see undeserved favor from my teachers. All those things are amazing blessing for the Lord and all have been met with challenges, raising support and meeting visa requirements, the touch and go of passing major classes, and summer financial aid debacle.  In my unfaithfulness, I take on everything trying to figure out what is going on, how I can accomplish the task and I forget to seek the Lord.  Then I remember that if I don't seek Him then I won't be able to do what He has called me to, so I open my Bible but am I seeking His face or am going through the motions and "fooling" God to secure the things He as promised to me? Believing it's the latter, I close my Bible and seek anything that feigns that I have control, which just repeats the cycle.  It stresses me out just thinking about how I think I can use the Author of Salvation as a drive-thru, getting what I want then leaving, and the guilt that is associated upon the realization of using Him as a drive-thru.  This isn't what God wants from me! He wants my joy and satisfaction to be in Him and Him alone.  I can't be satisfied with knowing everything, it's kinda what got us in trouble in the Garden.  Nor can I do put things off and expect the desired results, I have to do the work.  The Lord is constantly teaching me to loosen my grip and come to Him with my hands open to all He has for me.  There is nothing in this world that can offer security, those that promise security are usually marked by stress or unnecessary work to maintain the façade.  Jesus Christ died on the Cross for my sins, His death and resurrection three days later secured my salvation and allow me to have a relationship with an Almighty God.  My life is not about me or about being comfortable, my life is marked by challenges and trials and the fact that God is who He says He is and can do what He says He can do.  That is all the security I need.  

Divine Authority Requires Humble Submission

The Lord is revealing to me that in order to teach you have to be teachable.  That seems logical, but to me that is frustrating.  Learning in the way that the Lord has designed is a constant reminder of how a perfect God has loved such an imperfect person.  I like to think I am perfect, or at least I desire myself to strive for this unattainable goal.  So if I am being taught, then I am not the teacher and I have no control over the lesson plan.

My life is in a state of flux at the moment.  It is driving me insane.  I have no clue what is going on, it is not how I have planned and it is stressing me out.  I may not graduate in August.  I have three classes left and I may not graduate. The summer financial aid offered to me was only loans that my parents can take out, I was not offered any loans for myself.  Freak out number one.  What do I do? My parents can't take out those loans.  I go to the financial aid office, hoping that they have some loan or scholarships for moderately intelligent white kids.  They don't but they do tell me how I can get unsub loans. Holla!  I explain my situation to my parents, telling them all they have to do is fill out the parent loan, they will be denied because of their credit and then I get my college money and I get to graduate.  They have more questions than I have answers and they are not on board with me, but they call the financial aid office and I'm thinking that once they talk to the office they will stop worrying and fill out the dang loan.  I call my mom the next day:

"Hey, so what did financial aid say?"

"They said that we would have to fill out the loan, and just hope we get denied so you get offered more.  But if we on the off chance get the loan, we are stuck paying it and you don't get any other financial aid."

"Yeah, but you are gonna get denied sooo..."

"If we get denied the loan, it looks bad on our credit and we can't have that when we are trying to get a car loan.  We can't fill out the loan."

Freak out number two.  We can't fill out the loan.  I wanted to die. I wanted to scream. I wanted to be selfish.  I paid my way through college, I paid for community college out of pocket and all the loans I have out are in my name.  Why won't they just help me this one time?  I am so dang frustrated, I know that my parents would help if they could and they help where they can, but the won't here and I can't get over it.  Freak out number three.  What the heck am I suppose to do now?  I have no money, and the money I do have is going towards visa fees and Southampton.  If I pay for my classes out of pocket then I can't go to Europe. I could wait for financial aid in the Fall and take classes then but I don't get to go to Southampton.  I could go to Southampton, not graduate and postpone for when I come back.  But to be honest, I don't want to come back.  In my heart of hearts, I meet a cute boy who loves Jesus, we get married and I live in England all of the days.  Freak out number four.  What is Jesus doing to me?   He is showing me that I have no control over my life. None.  The plans I make, are not the plans of the Lord.  I hear the Lord saying GO and I feel the slight twing that I may not graduate beforehand but how and if He chooses those things to play out look completely different from His point of view.  If I believe that God is who He says He is, and He can do what He says He can do then I am who He says I am.  Meaning He is above me, He says I am: daughter, beloved, darling, child, forgiven, covered, clean, righteous and I am. Not because I have earned those things and deserve them but because He loves me. When God says move, you move.  Even if you have no earthly idea which direction you're headed.

Resistant Heart Met by a Persistent God

Gahhhh. I do not want to be writing this post.  Like seriously.  I have like a gajillon versions of what my first blog post was going to be about and this...was not it.  At all. I figured that I would possibly dance around this topic, maybe I would discuss at a later date, ya know once a rapport was established. But right out of the gate? No way. Gahhhh.  I don't want to, I'm all nervous, but here goes nothing.  Sooo, some people might say that my skewed body image, extreme means of restriction and purging of food is ...an eating disorder.  I don't. I would use any other term or synonym just not the actual term.  I hate this. I want to backspace everything and use one of the wonderful, fluffy versions that simply talk about how awesome God is and all the fantastic things He is doing in my life.  I want that.  That is brilliant, nice, safe and comfort.  Unfortunately, for me, the Lord has called me to be a little more real and authentic than I could ever imagine.  He has called me into real fellowship and real community, and those are met with real struggles.  Why does the Lord want me to talk about it now?  I wish I knew.  I feel like Tina Fey in Baby Mama, where she tells a guy on their first date that she wants to have kids.  Awkward information overload.

 At the start of college, I wanted to travel and ask young Christians what it meant to walk in an authentic relationship with Christ and fellow Christians. I wanted to get rid of the stigma of hypocrisy and show that we are not perfect but broken and hurting and in desperate need of a Savior.  However, I was completely unwilling to share my own real struggles. I wanted to say I was broken but still look perfect.  I refused to let anyone come close enough to see exactly where I fall short, it just wasn't going to happen.  The Lord in His sovereignty decided that I would become a part of  a Christian sorority, and attend an amazing Bible based church.  It was at these places, that I began realizing that Christians wanted to walk alongside one another and know his or her heart and where he or she was in relation to the Lord.  That stressed me out, there are only so many times you can say, "I'm fine." to girls you see every day before they realize that may not be true.

 One day, my best friend and I were hanging out and she was like, "You have an eating disorder."  I was taken a back, I know I vaguely mentioned past food struggles to her but for her to call me out like that, I did not take it well.  I told her to leave me alone and that I had everything under control.  It broke her heart, and I thought that if said to her I was trying to get better that she would actually leave me alone and then I could carry on with my behaviors.  I was wrong.  In fact, her and a couple other girls were walking alongside me and doing their best to hold me accountable.  This frustrated me and my flesh,  Why did they care? Why won't they leave me alone? I know it was a frustrating time for them as well, seeing me believe the lies of the enemy and walk in sin rather than believe in Truth and walk in the Light.  After Christmas break, it finally dawned on me that if I want the Lord to use me to advance His Kingdom in ways that He had already revealed to me, then I was going to have start walking with Him and not in sin. This is the moment, I realized why the Lord called me to UNT instead of travelling.  Authentic community.  If I had gone off to travel, even though I wanted authenticity in other, I would have been left alone and that could have been detrimental to my walk.  At UNT, I am surrounded by girls who truly know me and continue to push me towards Christ.  

The Lord in His kindness, is giving me the opportunity to live in Southampton, England for 11 months starting in September.  Leaving is far more daunting than I thought.  Talking about my eating disorder is terrifying and avoided at all costs.  The Lord isn't calling me to be comfortable or safe.  He is calling me to be reliant on Him.  Trusting that He is who He says He is, and He can do what He says He can do.  Sin is never pretty nor does it sustain.  When God says move, you move.  Even if that means saying way to much personal information on a first date.