Divine Authority Requires Humble Submission

The Lord is revealing to me that in order to teach you have to be teachable.  That seems logical, but to me that is frustrating.  Learning in the way that the Lord has designed is a constant reminder of how a perfect God has loved such an imperfect person.  I like to think I am perfect, or at least I desire myself to strive for this unattainable goal.  So if I am being taught, then I am not the teacher and I have no control over the lesson plan.

My life is in a state of flux at the moment.  It is driving me insane.  I have no clue what is going on, it is not how I have planned and it is stressing me out.  I may not graduate in August.  I have three classes left and I may not graduate. The summer financial aid offered to me was only loans that my parents can take out, I was not offered any loans for myself.  Freak out number one.  What do I do? My parents can't take out those loans.  I go to the financial aid office, hoping that they have some loan or scholarships for moderately intelligent white kids.  They don't but they do tell me how I can get unsub loans. Holla!  I explain my situation to my parents, telling them all they have to do is fill out the parent loan, they will be denied because of their credit and then I get my college money and I get to graduate.  They have more questions than I have answers and they are not on board with me, but they call the financial aid office and I'm thinking that once they talk to the office they will stop worrying and fill out the dang loan.  I call my mom the next day:

"Hey, so what did financial aid say?"

"They said that we would have to fill out the loan, and just hope we get denied so you get offered more.  But if we on the off chance get the loan, we are stuck paying it and you don't get any other financial aid."

"Yeah, but you are gonna get denied sooo..."

"If we get denied the loan, it looks bad on our credit and we can't have that when we are trying to get a car loan.  We can't fill out the loan."

Freak out number two.  We can't fill out the loan.  I wanted to die. I wanted to scream. I wanted to be selfish.  I paid my way through college, I paid for community college out of pocket and all the loans I have out are in my name.  Why won't they just help me this one time?  I am so dang frustrated, I know that my parents would help if they could and they help where they can, but the won't here and I can't get over it.  Freak out number three.  What the heck am I suppose to do now?  I have no money, and the money I do have is going towards visa fees and Southampton.  If I pay for my classes out of pocket then I can't go to Europe. I could wait for financial aid in the Fall and take classes then but I don't get to go to Southampton.  I could go to Southampton, not graduate and postpone for when I come back.  But to be honest, I don't want to come back.  In my heart of hearts, I meet a cute boy who loves Jesus, we get married and I live in England all of the days.  Freak out number four.  What is Jesus doing to me?   He is showing me that I have no control over my life. None.  The plans I make, are not the plans of the Lord.  I hear the Lord saying GO and I feel the slight twing that I may not graduate beforehand but how and if He chooses those things to play out look completely different from His point of view.  If I believe that God is who He says He is, and He can do what He says He can do then I am who He says I am.  Meaning He is above me, He says I am: daughter, beloved, darling, child, forgiven, covered, clean, righteous and I am. Not because I have earned those things and deserve them but because He loves me. When God says move, you move.  Even if you have no earthly idea which direction you're headed.

Resistant Heart Met by a Persistent God

Gahhhh. I do not want to be writing this post.  Like seriously.  I have like a gajillon versions of what my first blog post was going to be about and this...was not it.  At all. I figured that I would possibly dance around this topic, maybe I would discuss at a later date, ya know once a rapport was established. But right out of the gate? No way. Gahhhh.  I don't want to, I'm all nervous, but here goes nothing.  Sooo, some people might say that my skewed body image, extreme means of restriction and purging of food is ...an eating disorder.  I don't. I would use any other term or synonym just not the actual term.  I hate this. I want to backspace everything and use one of the wonderful, fluffy versions that simply talk about how awesome God is and all the fantastic things He is doing in my life.  I want that.  That is brilliant, nice, safe and comfort.  Unfortunately, for me, the Lord has called me to be a little more real and authentic than I could ever imagine.  He has called me into real fellowship and real community, and those are met with real struggles.  Why does the Lord want me to talk about it now?  I wish I knew.  I feel like Tina Fey in Baby Mama, where she tells a guy on their first date that she wants to have kids.  Awkward information overload.

 At the start of college, I wanted to travel and ask young Christians what it meant to walk in an authentic relationship with Christ and fellow Christians. I wanted to get rid of the stigma of hypocrisy and show that we are not perfect but broken and hurting and in desperate need of a Savior.  However, I was completely unwilling to share my own real struggles. I wanted to say I was broken but still look perfect.  I refused to let anyone come close enough to see exactly where I fall short, it just wasn't going to happen.  The Lord in His sovereignty decided that I would become a part of  a Christian sorority, and attend an amazing Bible based church.  It was at these places, that I began realizing that Christians wanted to walk alongside one another and know his or her heart and where he or she was in relation to the Lord.  That stressed me out, there are only so many times you can say, "I'm fine." to girls you see every day before they realize that may not be true.

 One day, my best friend and I were hanging out and she was like, "You have an eating disorder."  I was taken a back, I know I vaguely mentioned past food struggles to her but for her to call me out like that, I did not take it well.  I told her to leave me alone and that I had everything under control.  It broke her heart, and I thought that if said to her I was trying to get better that she would actually leave me alone and then I could carry on with my behaviors.  I was wrong.  In fact, her and a couple other girls were walking alongside me and doing their best to hold me accountable.  This frustrated me and my flesh,  Why did they care? Why won't they leave me alone? I know it was a frustrating time for them as well, seeing me believe the lies of the enemy and walk in sin rather than believe in Truth and walk in the Light.  After Christmas break, it finally dawned on me that if I want the Lord to use me to advance His Kingdom in ways that He had already revealed to me, then I was going to have start walking with Him and not in sin. This is the moment, I realized why the Lord called me to UNT instead of travelling.  Authentic community.  If I had gone off to travel, even though I wanted authenticity in other, I would have been left alone and that could have been detrimental to my walk.  At UNT, I am surrounded by girls who truly know me and continue to push me towards Christ.  

The Lord in His kindness, is giving me the opportunity to live in Southampton, England for 11 months starting in September.  Leaving is far more daunting than I thought.  Talking about my eating disorder is terrifying and avoided at all costs.  The Lord isn't calling me to be comfortable or safe.  He is calling me to be reliant on Him.  Trusting that He is who He says He is, and He can do what He says He can do.  Sin is never pretty nor does it sustain.  When God says move, you move.  Even if that means saying way to much personal information on a first date.