Believing Him Even When It's Hard

I think somewhere down the line of walking with Jesus, I became flippant of His sovereignty.  Of course, I would never say that, nor do I think that my actions suggested a general disinterest in having God lead me.  I mean, everybody ebbs and flows with his or her quiet time.

Believe Him.

My thoughts would be on God, but not because I was in love with my Saviour. My thoughts were on the God of the universe, wondering what the heck He is doing with my life and how He plans to show up.  They weren't accusatory in tone or nature.  I just needed to know.  I have a tendency when life gives me an overwhelming amount of obstacles and no foreseeable outcome to micromanage everything, asking God to provide but at the same time figuring out possible solutions.  I know that time and time again my God has provided everything I needed in His precise timing and in His unique ways that literally had nothing to do with me.  He provides outside my abilities and capacity so that there is absolutely no way that I can take credit, and I know that He is God.

Believe Him.

I was reading something by Beth Moore recently, I came across these simple words and they have plagued my mind, challenging me ever since.  I know that I believe in God but do I believe Him?  Is He my Provider, Redeemer, Lover? Am I cared for, redeemed, His beloved?  I forget that saying I believe in Him, means that I am saying yes to all these questions.  That I believe these things about God and that He is who He says He is and can do what He says He can do.

Believe Him.

 I forgot to believe Him.  I didn't take Him at His word, which were backed by actions.  He sent Jesus to die on the Cross for me!  I have been sorted out for eternity, able to enter into a relationship with a mighty and Holy God through the death and resurrection of His son.  Nothing is reliant on me.  He has everything covered in my life big and small.  He is constantly reminding me of that, especially when He gives me a major shake up demonstrating His authority and how my life is in His loving hands.  This by no means my life is guaranteed smooth sailing, often times I am reminded of who God is through the chaos of life.  It just means I don't have to worry or stress about the unknown.  Right now there is a lot of unknown in my life and my reflex is to worry, stress, and control the outcome, but the Lord is graciously reminding who is in control.    He says He has a plan for me, and I believe Him.

Just do better

I don't know what to say.  I stare at the keys beneath my finger tips, hoping they will make something beautiful and articulate.  Instead they are frozen. Untouched awaiting the moment when my words make sense.  I'm torn between the right words and the real ones.

How do you get back to Jesus?  Now, I know the obvious answers to the question.  You have the standard quiet time and read your Bible more.  Everyone recites a variation of those words, we have been conditioned to say that, no one challenges it.  There is definitely nothing wrong with making sure you do a quiet time or read your Bible, but for me it ends up being, just do better.  If I simply do better in these areas then, Jesus and I will be A-Okay.  A friend recently, challenged me in this area when she asked me to answer this question without typical Christian jargon.  

How do YOU get back to Jesus?

I couldn't answer the question.  The fact that I couldn't give a correct response was extremely frustrating.  I know the answer! I didn't understand why she wasn't accepting my answer when I knew I was right.  Yet, there was a disconnect between my head and my heart.  When I spoke behind every syllable I was saying, "just do better."  I didn't realize it at the time and instead of going to my Saviour, I decided to dwell on it until I figured out a solution.  Because that's what I do, it's kinda my thing.  

After much dwelling, I flit through my Bible.  I go where I last had my quiet time, ages ago.  I read it with a convicted Spirit.  I fixate on the words, unsure if I want them to sink in.  However, the words sink faster than the Titanic.  Oohhh, too soon?  

I am discerning some things that I believe Jesus is asking me to do demonstrate His sovereignty and call me back to Him.  I'm not particularly keen on the ideas that are floating around in my head, but I know that the reliance on Jesus that it required is what I need. The way I love Jesus may look completely different, but God has made each of us unique to worship Him and give Him all the glory.  It is a discredit to the Creator of the universe to box in your relationship with Him.  

This Doesn't Feel Like I'm 22

 I can't.  I can't even.  I mean. I can't.  Like what?

You know when something so ridiculous happens, you can't help but make it a joke?  Well, this has become my life. I would like to think of my self as a mature, responsible adult.  My parents have raised me to be a functioning member of society that is independent.  I paid for my education(primarily out of pocket), I pay my own bills(thankful when my parents helped me out, but never asked for help), and I flew across to a completely new continent where I didn't know a single soul.  If that doesn't say I have my ish together and I am talking full advantage of my youth, I don't know what does.

While it may seem that I am this cool, adventures person, I am very much a homebody.  I always enjoyed the social events for Sigma Alpha, but I was equally happy staying home. One thing I am discovering about myself is that I am introverted.  I very rarely will initiate friendships. I am pretty weird and awkward around people and I am already building my life from the ground up with no existing foundation, so often times I am on the computer talking to my friends and family that I love and miss. Where I live, the WiFi is not in constant access.  I turn it on when I use it, and unplug it when I am done.  The rule is beneficial when I am on Pinterest when I should be trying to sleep, and nuisance when I am talking to a friend back home and the WiFi gets turned off.  The internet is the one of the only ways that I am able to talk to everyone, and unless I am at home I am not connected to the world wide web, which for my generation is quite unusual.  I have found it challenging and freeing to not have the world at my fingertips, but nothing could prepare me for this challenge.

Three hours.  What could you do with three hours? What would you do for three hours?  Is it too much, too little?  I guess without context, three hours can mean anything.  How about three hours a day of internet? Is that even possible nowadays?  Well, let me set the scene of how this whole three hours Internet access business came about.  I was summoned out of my room into the lounge.  We sat down to discuss somethings she would like me to change.  Namely, being in my room on the Internet.  I was informed that I am not taking advantage of my time in the UK.  I should meet new people, get out more.  Everyone is new to me, I am introduced to someone new one the regular. Also, at the moment I have a severe case of homesickness, the Internet allows me connect with people that I don't get to see ever. I have thought of deactivating my Facebook for awhile because of the amount of time I spend on it, but I find it is the easiest way to arrange Skype dates.  Let me just say, I thoroughly enjoy my life in Southampton, but another aspect of my life is six hours behind in small town Texas.

Three hours a day, but not in the morning.  I kept my composure on the outside but I did not take this news well.  I feel as though I am a child being grounded.  I am all for parents monitoring their child's internet access. However, I am twenty-two.  I am also not her child, and capable of making my own decisions on what I would consider a successful year abroad.  If that is spending 12 hours on the computer when I have a day off, then so be it. It's my life, YOLO(I'm so sorry I said that but not sorry enough to erase it.) I'll be honest, I can't tell if I don't like this rule because I simply don't like people telling me what to do or if I am being convicted by the Spirit to be wise in how I spend my time and I am terrible with change.

Trusting Jesus in Vulnerbility

So, clearly I have not been blogging for a little over a month now.  I could use a plethora of excuses that could validate my lack of blog posts, but honestly, my lack of posts reflect my lack of fellowship with God.  My blog is about what God is doing in my life and in my relationship with Him, and I can't write about something that isn't happening at the moment.

Some of the questions we reflect on in our Huddles.

As part of my year with Transform, I spend my Tuesdays doing SMD, School of Missional Disciple-Making, learning all Godly leadership, and how to make disciples that make disciples that make disciples.  Right now we are going over Huddles, which are groups that allow for leaders to have support/accountability from one another.  I'm not a big fan of Huddles.  Mostly, because of the expected vulnerability that comes with the group, and I find it difficult being fully transparent with people.

When I was younger I wanted to be the female version of James Dean.  The mysterious new kid that no one can quite figure out.  Well, apparently, I am actually really easy to read. I'm quiet in big groups, especially on the topic of feelings, and I smile when I am uncomfortable and unsure what I am suppose to do.  Both of which were pointed out by my Huddle leaders, when we met up on an individual basis.  I was surprised, and slightly disappointed because that means I was definitely not James Dean-esque.
For the past couple days, I have been dwelling on what it means to trust people and allow myself to share with people on more intimate level.  In reflecting on that, I began looking at how I view the Author of my Salvation and what does trusting in Him actually mean? Do I trust Him with my everything?  Do I trust Him with my feelings?  With my mundane thoughts?  I'm not sure, I think mostly I try and have everything under control, saying that God has control over it and I trust Him, but really I am like a big sister that gives her little sister a Barbie to play with and after ten minutes, the big sister wants the Barbie back because she thinks her sister will break or ruin the Barbie.  God won't ruin my life.  God wants a relationship.  Relationships have feelings, vulnerability, ups, and downs.  He wants it all.

This blog is one of the first steps in vulnerability for me.  I am never like, "Yay, I get to write another blog post!"  I knew in the very beginning that I was going to discuss things I didn't want to talk about.  I knew it would be difficult to share what the Lord is teaching me, rather than just straight up teach.  But I love Jesus.  I love that He died on the Cross for my sins, and defeated the grave by resurrecting three days later.  I love that when I don't want to pursue Him, He was always pursuing me.

In Over My head

I'm not quite sure how to properly express the feelings I am experiencing at the moment.  You know the queasiness in your stomach and the lump in your throat when you are about to do something you feel is completely out of your element?  Yeah, that's me.  So, what is making feel all nervous and anxious? Bible study.  More specifically, a Bible study that I am kinda starting up.

 I wanted to get involved in a home group at ABC, but the thought of joining an already established home group didn't sit well with my Spirit.  In the following weeks, I found girls that I wanted to love on and learn more about Jesus with, but was still unsure how to do this in a non-awkward way.  In a passing conversation with a friend, I discovered that she was not in a home group but would like to be in one but none of the home groups offered fit with her schedule.  I suggested getting together to do a Bible study, and then she told me of other girls not involved in a home group but wanting to be in one.  Now I have a small group of young women about to arrive to my house.  How the heck did this happen?

I think that a majority of my nerves stem from the fact that I don't want to be the leader, and I feel that because I am organizing it, that the girls will look at me like I have everything figured out.  I Don't. I am broken, and I haven't the fainest idea of what I am doing.  I have only participated in Bible studies before, sometimes halfheartedly.  I wish I paid more attention to the studies I did when I was a young Christian, then I think I may feel more prepared. I would feel more competent and not like I am wading in unknown waters.  

I have mixed feelings about the unknown.  By that I mean, I hate planning it is the bane of my existence, however,  the endless possibilities and outcomes wreck havoc on my mind.  Basically, I am an over-thinker.  So in my mind, I have already found a bajillion flaws with the study.  All of them focusing on me and my insecurities. What if I am expected to know all the answers? What if no one talks? What if no one comes, how will that reflect back onto me?  I'm allowing questions like these dictate my actions, instead of trusting in God through this process.  Ultimately, this is about God and giving Him the praise and glory.  We get the privilege of learning more about our Saviour, and share all that He is teaching us on an individual basis with a group of believers. This Bible study is such a great growing opportunity for everyone involved because we get to mold it into exactly what we want and need for our own personal relationship with Christ.  That is way cool.  I get to know Jesus more by what He is doing in the lives of my sisters in Christ.  God is all about relationships, being real and authentic with Him, as well, as each other.  It is a lesson I am constantly being reminded of. I still have no clue what I am doing but I am just going to go with it, trusting that God knows what He is doing.

Ransomed Bride

I have been ransomed. You have been ransomed. We have been ransomed.  I think sometimes we forget that Jesus paid the ransom for us all, for all of us.  We may look at sin, and rank it from Not That Bad to I Can't Believe I/You Did That.  Then we determine whether or not is okay to confess it-to ourselves,someone else, or even Jesus. 

It is extremely aggravating.  A million thoughts come to mind during the process of confession.  A million What ifs. What if they judge me?  What if they don't forgive me?  What if this changes everything?  Then if the worst case scenario is so detrimental, we keep silent. The torture of unspoken struggles seem an easier burden than the knowledge that someone knows our sin.  And not just sin but THE SIN.  The sin that we feel defines us and our sinfulness.  This is a way bigger deal than when you got caught shoplifting teeth whitening strips(True life, this happened when I was 16, I was so devastated at the time, not because I got caught but because it was TEETH WHITENING STRIPS, like who does that? Me.) This is Oh-No-We-Are-On-This-Topic-I-Am-Just-Going-To-Be-Silent sin.  These are all things I have felt and I use the pronoun we, because it makes me feel better thinking I am not alone in this.  

We start to look at ourselves and others through this narrow lens, limiting everything that Jesus can do through us and others.  We see ourselves as broken but not restored.  I know that when I mess up, I just want to curl up in a ball because I have no idea how I am going to get back in God's good graces and if I just don't move then everything will be fine.  The Holy Spirit has to talk me out of this Spiritual depression, reminding me, He sees me as clean and pure.  We have been made perfect by the blood of Jesus, but we are still being sanctified.  What the heck does that mean??? It means that when I mess(and I will because I am human,) The Lord still sees me as perfect.  I am so extremely thankful for this, because now I can be honest when I fall short.  My "major" sin is equal to your "minor" sin, and when God looks at us, He sees no sin.  Hallelujah! I get the privilege of learning all that Jesus has done in your life and share all He has taught me, an ever-changing cycle of what God saved us from to a what He saved us to, which is Himself.

I love when The Lord reminds me of His graciousness.  I love that He has surrounded me with men and women that desire to know God more, and will call me out when I have forgotten how mighty a Saviour I serve.  I am thankful that He met me in my mess and loves me enough to take the punishment I deserve, dying a sinner's death in my place.  I love that He calls me, "MINE."  

Establishing a Community

I LOVE being here.  I know that there are some of you reading this, having mixed emotions about that statement.  Excited that I am exactly where God wants me and sadden by the possibility of my being in a permanent state of here.  It's weird, that after the first full week of being in Southampton, I felt a real peace about the friendships and life I am building in this season.  My entire college career, I felt that I was suppose to be somewhere else, a real urge to just go.  There was always a goal.  If I just get through this term, this year, this degree plan, then I can go.  Now...I just want to be.  I have no endgame.

What does the dream look like?  Honestly, far better than I imagined or could ever put into words.  I get to rely on Jesus, totally dependent of the King of Kings and it is a major blessing.  Of course, I thankfully have the freedom and ability to do that anywhere, an aspect of the blessing is that God is gracious enough to allow me to do it in a place I love and always dreamed of going.  I am surrounded by brothers and sisters in Christ that desire to know Jesus more today than the day before.  It is mental to think of the passion that these men and women have to share the love,grace and mercy of Jesus Christ.  It is such an encouragement to hear what they are learning in his or her personal walk with Jesus, and the desire to serve Him in anyway that can glorify Him and advance His kingdom.

The authenticity at ABC is such an answer to prayers, but also a challenge for me to make sure that I am being as real with them as they are being with me.  I dislike talking about myself, if you have walked with me long enough, you know exactly what I mean.  I share enough to answer the question, but then deflect and tend to turn the conversation back to the other person.  I am more than happy to listen and give advice when necessary.  However, I am surrounded by a group of women that are not letting that happen.  Jules will often share how the Lord is teaching,challenging, and growing her. She is so passionate about what the Lord is doing in her life, I absolutely love hearing her speak, but typically she will end her conversation abruptly saying, "Anyway, what about you, mate?" I am seriously always caught off guard, but I love the fact that she wants me to share everything, not because she is nosy but she wants me to be comfortable and offer advice/help where she can. Jules genuinely wants to know where Jesus and I are in our walk and I am extremely grateful for her friendship. Recently, I was asked, "What are three things you like about yourself?"  Uhhhh....what?  While I tried changing the subject( several times according to Ruth,) I loved that question because it got me thinking about what negative attributes came to mind before the positive, how I see myself, and ultimately how I view the Creator.

While it hasn't even been a full month, my time in Denton seems like a a lifetime ago.  There are things and people I miss, but for the most part, I'm not homesick.  I feel a slight tinge of guilt in admitting that, but I am surrounded by people that teaching me how to love Jesus better, demonstrating that leadership resides in the humble acts of service, and showing me the grace freely given to all by the blood of Jesus on the Cross.  How can I not love it here?