In Over My head

I'm not quite sure how to properly express the feelings I am experiencing at the moment.  You know the queasiness in your stomach and the lump in your throat when you are about to do something you feel is completely out of your element?  Yeah, that's me.  So, what is making feel all nervous and anxious? Bible study.  More specifically, a Bible study that I am kinda starting up.

 I wanted to get involved in a home group at ABC, but the thought of joining an already established home group didn't sit well with my Spirit.  In the following weeks, I found girls that I wanted to love on and learn more about Jesus with, but was still unsure how to do this in a non-awkward way.  In a passing conversation with a friend, I discovered that she was not in a home group but would like to be in one but none of the home groups offered fit with her schedule.  I suggested getting together to do a Bible study, and then she told me of other girls not involved in a home group but wanting to be in one.  Now I have a small group of young women about to arrive to my house.  How the heck did this happen?

I think that a majority of my nerves stem from the fact that I don't want to be the leader, and I feel that because I am organizing it, that the girls will look at me like I have everything figured out.  I Don't. I am broken, and I haven't the fainest idea of what I am doing.  I have only participated in Bible studies before, sometimes halfheartedly.  I wish I paid more attention to the studies I did when I was a young Christian, then I think I may feel more prepared. I would feel more competent and not like I am wading in unknown waters.  

I have mixed feelings about the unknown.  By that I mean, I hate planning it is the bane of my existence, however,  the endless possibilities and outcomes wreck havoc on my mind.  Basically, I am an over-thinker.  So in my mind, I have already found a bajillion flaws with the study.  All of them focusing on me and my insecurities. What if I am expected to know all the answers? What if no one talks? What if no one comes, how will that reflect back onto me?  I'm allowing questions like these dictate my actions, instead of trusting in God through this process.  Ultimately, this is about God and giving Him the praise and glory.  We get the privilege of learning more about our Saviour, and share all that He is teaching us on an individual basis with a group of believers. This Bible study is such a great growing opportunity for everyone involved because we get to mold it into exactly what we want and need for our own personal relationship with Christ.  That is way cool.  I get to know Jesus more by what He is doing in the lives of my sisters in Christ.  God is all about relationships, being real and authentic with Him, as well, as each other.  It is a lesson I am constantly being reminded of. I still have no clue what I am doing but I am just going to go with it, trusting that God knows what He is doing.

Ransomed Bride

I have been ransomed. You have been ransomed. We have been ransomed.  I think sometimes we forget that Jesus paid the ransom for us all, for all of us.  We may look at sin, and rank it from Not That Bad to I Can't Believe I/You Did That.  Then we determine whether or not is okay to confess it-to ourselves,someone else, or even Jesus. 

It is extremely aggravating.  A million thoughts come to mind during the process of confession.  A million What ifs. What if they judge me?  What if they don't forgive me?  What if this changes everything?  Then if the worst case scenario is so detrimental, we keep silent. The torture of unspoken struggles seem an easier burden than the knowledge that someone knows our sin.  And not just sin but THE SIN.  The sin that we feel defines us and our sinfulness.  This is a way bigger deal than when you got caught shoplifting teeth whitening strips(True life, this happened when I was 16, I was so devastated at the time, not because I got caught but because it was TEETH WHITENING STRIPS, like who does that? Me.) This is Oh-No-We-Are-On-This-Topic-I-Am-Just-Going-To-Be-Silent sin.  These are all things I have felt and I use the pronoun we, because it makes me feel better thinking I am not alone in this.  

We start to look at ourselves and others through this narrow lens, limiting everything that Jesus can do through us and others.  We see ourselves as broken but not restored.  I know that when I mess up, I just want to curl up in a ball because I have no idea how I am going to get back in God's good graces and if I just don't move then everything will be fine.  The Holy Spirit has to talk me out of this Spiritual depression, reminding me, He sees me as clean and pure.  We have been made perfect by the blood of Jesus, but we are still being sanctified.  What the heck does that mean??? It means that when I mess(and I will because I am human,) The Lord still sees me as perfect.  I am so extremely thankful for this, because now I can be honest when I fall short.  My "major" sin is equal to your "minor" sin, and when God looks at us, He sees no sin.  Hallelujah! I get the privilege of learning all that Jesus has done in your life and share all He has taught me, an ever-changing cycle of what God saved us from to a what He saved us to, which is Himself.

I love when The Lord reminds me of His graciousness.  I love that He has surrounded me with men and women that desire to know God more, and will call me out when I have forgotten how mighty a Saviour I serve.  I am thankful that He met me in my mess and loves me enough to take the punishment I deserve, dying a sinner's death in my place.  I love that He calls me, "MINE."