Just do better

I don't know what to say.  I stare at the keys beneath my finger tips, hoping they will make something beautiful and articulate.  Instead they are frozen. Untouched awaiting the moment when my words make sense.  I'm torn between the right words and the real ones.

How do you get back to Jesus?  Now, I know the obvious answers to the question.  You have the standard quiet time and read your Bible more.  Everyone recites a variation of those words, we have been conditioned to say that, no one challenges it.  There is definitely nothing wrong with making sure you do a quiet time or read your Bible, but for me it ends up being, just do better.  If I simply do better in these areas then, Jesus and I will be A-Okay.  A friend recently, challenged me in this area when she asked me to answer this question without typical Christian jargon.  

How do YOU get back to Jesus?

I couldn't answer the question.  The fact that I couldn't give a correct response was extremely frustrating.  I know the answer! I didn't understand why she wasn't accepting my answer when I knew I was right.  Yet, there was a disconnect between my head and my heart.  When I spoke behind every syllable I was saying, "just do better."  I didn't realize it at the time and instead of going to my Saviour, I decided to dwell on it until I figured out a solution.  Because that's what I do, it's kinda my thing.  

After much dwelling, I flit through my Bible.  I go where I last had my quiet time, ages ago.  I read it with a convicted Spirit.  I fixate on the words, unsure if I want them to sink in.  However, the words sink faster than the Titanic.  Oohhh, too soon?  

I am discerning some things that I believe Jesus is asking me to do demonstrate His sovereignty and call me back to Him.  I'm not particularly keen on the ideas that are floating around in my head, but I know that the reliance on Jesus that it required is what I need. The way I love Jesus may look completely different, but God has made each of us unique to worship Him and give Him all the glory.  It is a discredit to the Creator of the universe to box in your relationship with Him.  

This Doesn't Feel Like I'm 22

 I can't.  I can't even.  I mean. I can't.  Like what?

You know when something so ridiculous happens, you can't help but make it a joke?  Well, this has become my life. I would like to think of my self as a mature, responsible adult.  My parents have raised me to be a functioning member of society that is independent.  I paid for my education(primarily out of pocket), I pay my own bills(thankful when my parents helped me out, but never asked for help), and I flew across to a completely new continent where I didn't know a single soul.  If that doesn't say I have my ish together and I am talking full advantage of my youth, I don't know what does.

While it may seem that I am this cool, adventures person, I am very much a homebody.  I always enjoyed the social events for Sigma Alpha, but I was equally happy staying home. One thing I am discovering about myself is that I am introverted.  I very rarely will initiate friendships. I am pretty weird and awkward around people and I am already building my life from the ground up with no existing foundation, so often times I am on the computer talking to my friends and family that I love and miss. Where I live, the WiFi is not in constant access.  I turn it on when I use it, and unplug it when I am done.  The rule is beneficial when I am on Pinterest when I should be trying to sleep, and nuisance when I am talking to a friend back home and the WiFi gets turned off.  The internet is the one of the only ways that I am able to talk to everyone, and unless I am at home I am not connected to the world wide web, which for my generation is quite unusual.  I have found it challenging and freeing to not have the world at my fingertips, but nothing could prepare me for this challenge.

Three hours.  What could you do with three hours? What would you do for three hours?  Is it too much, too little?  I guess without context, three hours can mean anything.  How about three hours a day of internet? Is that even possible nowadays?  Well, let me set the scene of how this whole three hours Internet access business came about.  I was summoned out of my room into the lounge.  We sat down to discuss somethings she would like me to change.  Namely, being in my room on the Internet.  I was informed that I am not taking advantage of my time in the UK.  I should meet new people, get out more.  Everyone is new to me, I am introduced to someone new one the regular. Also, at the moment I have a severe case of homesickness, the Internet allows me connect with people that I don't get to see ever. I have thought of deactivating my Facebook for awhile because of the amount of time I spend on it, but I find it is the easiest way to arrange Skype dates.  Let me just say, I thoroughly enjoy my life in Southampton, but another aspect of my life is six hours behind in small town Texas.

Three hours a day, but not in the morning.  I kept my composure on the outside but I did not take this news well.  I feel as though I am a child being grounded.  I am all for parents monitoring their child's internet access. However, I am twenty-two.  I am also not her child, and capable of making my own decisions on what I would consider a successful year abroad.  If that is spending 12 hours on the computer when I have a day off, then so be it. It's my life, YOLO(I'm so sorry I said that but not sorry enough to erase it.) I'll be honest, I can't tell if I don't like this rule because I simply don't like people telling me what to do or if I am being convicted by the Spirit to be wise in how I spend my time and I am terrible with change.

Trusting Jesus in Vulnerbility

So, clearly I have not been blogging for a little over a month now.  I could use a plethora of excuses that could validate my lack of blog posts, but honestly, my lack of posts reflect my lack of fellowship with God.  My blog is about what God is doing in my life and in my relationship with Him, and I can't write about something that isn't happening at the moment.

Some of the questions we reflect on in our Huddles.

As part of my year with Transform, I spend my Tuesdays doing SMD, School of Missional Disciple-Making, learning all Godly leadership, and how to make disciples that make disciples that make disciples.  Right now we are going over Huddles, which are groups that allow for leaders to have support/accountability from one another.  I'm not a big fan of Huddles.  Mostly, because of the expected vulnerability that comes with the group, and I find it difficult being fully transparent with people.

When I was younger I wanted to be the female version of James Dean.  The mysterious new kid that no one can quite figure out.  Well, apparently, I am actually really easy to read. I'm quiet in big groups, especially on the topic of feelings, and I smile when I am uncomfortable and unsure what I am suppose to do.  Both of which were pointed out by my Huddle leaders, when we met up on an individual basis.  I was surprised, and slightly disappointed because that means I was definitely not James Dean-esque.
For the past couple days, I have been dwelling on what it means to trust people and allow myself to share with people on more intimate level.  In reflecting on that, I began looking at how I view the Author of my Salvation and what does trusting in Him actually mean? Do I trust Him with my everything?  Do I trust Him with my feelings?  With my mundane thoughts?  I'm not sure, I think mostly I try and have everything under control, saying that God has control over it and I trust Him, but really I am like a big sister that gives her little sister a Barbie to play with and after ten minutes, the big sister wants the Barbie back because she thinks her sister will break or ruin the Barbie.  God won't ruin my life.  God wants a relationship.  Relationships have feelings, vulnerability, ups, and downs.  He wants it all.

This blog is one of the first steps in vulnerability for me.  I am never like, "Yay, I get to write another blog post!"  I knew in the very beginning that I was going to discuss things I didn't want to talk about.  I knew it would be difficult to share what the Lord is teaching me, rather than just straight up teach.  But I love Jesus.  I love that He died on the Cross for my sins, and defeated the grave by resurrecting three days later.  I love that when I don't want to pursue Him, He was always pursuing me.