Trusting Jesus in Vulnerbility

So, clearly I have not been blogging for a little over a month now.  I could use a plethora of excuses that could validate my lack of blog posts, but honestly, my lack of posts reflect my lack of fellowship with God.  My blog is about what God is doing in my life and in my relationship with Him, and I can't write about something that isn't happening at the moment.

Some of the questions we reflect on in our Huddles.

As part of my year with Transform, I spend my Tuesdays doing SMD, School of Missional Disciple-Making, learning all Godly leadership, and how to make disciples that make disciples that make disciples.  Right now we are going over Huddles, which are groups that allow for leaders to have support/accountability from one another.  I'm not a big fan of Huddles.  Mostly, because of the expected vulnerability that comes with the group, and I find it difficult being fully transparent with people.

When I was younger I wanted to be the female version of James Dean.  The mysterious new kid that no one can quite figure out.  Well, apparently, I am actually really easy to read. I'm quiet in big groups, especially on the topic of feelings, and I smile when I am uncomfortable and unsure what I am suppose to do.  Both of which were pointed out by my Huddle leaders, when we met up on an individual basis.  I was surprised, and slightly disappointed because that means I was definitely not James Dean-esque.
For the past couple days, I have been dwelling on what it means to trust people and allow myself to share with people on more intimate level.  In reflecting on that, I began looking at how I view the Author of my Salvation and what does trusting in Him actually mean? Do I trust Him with my everything?  Do I trust Him with my feelings?  With my mundane thoughts?  I'm not sure, I think mostly I try and have everything under control, saying that God has control over it and I trust Him, but really I am like a big sister that gives her little sister a Barbie to play with and after ten minutes, the big sister wants the Barbie back because she thinks her sister will break or ruin the Barbie.  God won't ruin my life.  God wants a relationship.  Relationships have feelings, vulnerability, ups, and downs.  He wants it all.

This blog is one of the first steps in vulnerability for me.  I am never like, "Yay, I get to write another blog post!"  I knew in the very beginning that I was going to discuss things I didn't want to talk about.  I knew it would be difficult to share what the Lord is teaching me, rather than just straight up teach.  But I love Jesus.  I love that He died on the Cross for my sins, and defeated the grave by resurrecting three days later.  I love that when I don't want to pursue Him, He was always pursuing me.