Season Finale

I moved out of my apartment today. It is surreal knowing that I no longer live with Mariah or Paige, and if I want to come over I have to knock. Driving out of Denton and towards Prosper, I couldn't help but have a heavy heart as I leave the town that I made my home for the past two years and friends that I did life with on a regular basis.  It is hard for me to fully grasp how soon this chapter of my life is ending.

I never imagined that I would be living in Denton, or attending University of North Texas.  I thought that Denton was too close to home for comfort and that UNT is a slight step up from community college.  Yet, I am so thankful for a God that has a better plan for my life than I fathom.  He knew that Denton was were I needed to be to draw closer to Him.  Staying local allowed me the freedom to see my family, or receive their help if needed.  UNT enabled me find a group of girls that love the Lord and desire to know Him more, and it redirected my career path.  Denton is one of those towns that you love or hate.  It's weird, funky, and overrun by hipsters, but I love it dearly.  I would not have wanted to go to any other college.  However, I am so thankful that I am done with school. FINALLY.

Graduating on time seemed like an unrealistic goal.  I dislike school, and my GPA reflected the sentiment.  Wellll, mostly it reflects what happens when you take a high GPA, decide to take fifteen hours and never attend or withdraw from class.  The things I would do differently if I was nineteen again.  However, the fact that I am graduating the summer I was intended to graduate is such a blessing, I did not expect that when I walked into my advising appointment last fall. Getting my degree in August allows me to go to Southampton and not worry about school. EVER AGAIN.

The one thing that I am bummed about no longer being in college is Sigma Alpha.  Sigma is exactly want I needed starting UNT in 2011, without it I would have simply gone to work, school, and church.  Checking the boxes as I went on.  I found many of my best friends in the sorority and they have all pushed me past my comfortability and towards Christ.  I am so thankful for each of those girls, and I am going to miss them so much.

Jesus knew what He was doing when He redirected me to Denton.  I had no clue what was in store for me over the next few years, when I registered for classes.  He gave me a passion for a particular people group and a heart to mission, but before I could share the amazing grace and mercy offered by Jesus' death and resurrection, I needed to focus on my personal relationship with Him.  I thought I was gonna travel the world and share the Word, and get results, but never allowing the vulnerability of sharing myself or my struggles. He has shone me time and time again that it is all about the relationship. Jesus and me, the church and me, accountability partners and me.  I am never alone.  I have to do life and do it with others, whether I am having a good day or bad day.  Showing my weaknesses and seeing how they are made strong through Christ is amazing and is what is so attractive about the Gospel.  I will never be able to reconcile myself to God, but HE wanted a relationship with ME that He sent His Son to die on the Cross, conquering death three days later, reconciling me to God through His blood.  It's never about me, and I am never alone.  Denton, a few degrees cooler than Dallas.

Adding a Single Hour

Remember the night before you began middle school or junior high or whatever name you called the grades in between elementary school and high school, you dreamed you are assigned the top locker but are far too short to reach the combination? The shear panic that engulfs you. You are not ready, you can't do this, not now, maybe it isn't too late for your mother to home school you.  For me, I was so nervous that I put my new school outfit on at 3 am, causing my mother to think I slept in my outfit unknowing that I barely slept that night.  Perhaps, you didn't have this dream or anxiety towards the sixth grade but I am sure I am not alone in the overactive imagination of the unknown.  This is my life.

I can't sleep very well.  I go to bed just before the sun rises only to wake moments after the sun peaks out from the horizon.  I haven't been able to nap or go for a run.  I am wound up with no release.  Please, don't talk to me or touch me, your very presence annoys me.  A list runs through my head of what needs to get done.  The list is not just one of the day, week, or month, this list gets me from point A to point B. Denton to Southampton.  The list does not seem to be getting any shorter, in fact it seems to be getting longer.  I go over every situation.  If I had done x instead of y then I wouldn't have to worry about z.  Was this really the right decision? Is this what God wanted me to do?  There was nothing inherently wrong with it, but could it have been postponed? How is this going to affect my life in England?  Is England still an option?  What if I made the wrong decision and now I can't go?  Should I just back out before I get told no?  Maybe I should talk to the Lord about this?  What if He says something I don't like, He does that sometimes.  Ahhhhhhhhh.  No.  I can't.  I decide that God will most certainly say something I do not want to hear, therefore, I will simply keep on keeping on.  I can sleep when I'm dead.  I know I'm wrong. My God does not say anything to hurt me but to heal me and if I don't get something it is for His glory and my betterment(is this a word? if not it is now) not because He is cruel that would be contradictory to His character.  I know this.  So, why is there a disconnect in my mind, thinking that giving my stresses and anxieties to the Lord is an automatic forfeit of the blessings He has rewarded/preparing me for?  

Greatness is formed in the hearts of the humble and obedient through trials.  Throughout the Bible, God shaped men and women into something remarkable.  Moses, Deborah, Rahab, David, Esther, Peter, Paul.  There is a clear transformation from what they once were to people God molded them to bring His name glory, it is not always easy or desired, depending on how much God has revealed.  I don't want to be great but I do want to glorify Him and bring glory to His name.  I so desperately want to see all God has planned this next year that I have forgot He is my manna and instead focused on little things, holding on to them as though they had the answers.  Everything is already His. My worries, triumphs, anxieties, and victories, known to Him far before they occur, I give it back to Him as a reminder to myself that He says who He says He is and can do all He says He can do.