Divine Authority Requires Humble Submission

The Lord is revealing to me that in order to teach you have to be teachable.  That seems logical, but to me that is frustrating.  Learning in the way that the Lord has designed is a constant reminder of how a perfect God has loved such an imperfect person.  I like to think I am perfect, or at least I desire myself to strive for this unattainable goal.  So if I am being taught, then I am not the teacher and I have no control over the lesson plan.

My life is in a state of flux at the moment.  It is driving me insane.  I have no clue what is going on, it is not how I have planned and it is stressing me out.  I may not graduate in August.  I have three classes left and I may not graduate. The summer financial aid offered to me was only loans that my parents can take out, I was not offered any loans for myself.  Freak out number one.  What do I do? My parents can't take out those loans.  I go to the financial aid office, hoping that they have some loan or scholarships for moderately intelligent white kids.  They don't but they do tell me how I can get unsub loans. Holla!  I explain my situation to my parents, telling them all they have to do is fill out the parent loan, they will be denied because of their credit and then I get my college money and I get to graduate.  They have more questions than I have answers and they are not on board with me, but they call the financial aid office and I'm thinking that once they talk to the office they will stop worrying and fill out the dang loan.  I call my mom the next day:

"Hey, so what did financial aid say?"

"They said that we would have to fill out the loan, and just hope we get denied so you get offered more.  But if we on the off chance get the loan, we are stuck paying it and you don't get any other financial aid."

"Yeah, but you are gonna get denied sooo..."

"If we get denied the loan, it looks bad on our credit and we can't have that when we are trying to get a car loan.  We can't fill out the loan."

Freak out number two.  We can't fill out the loan.  I wanted to die. I wanted to scream. I wanted to be selfish.  I paid my way through college, I paid for community college out of pocket and all the loans I have out are in my name.  Why won't they just help me this one time?  I am so dang frustrated, I know that my parents would help if they could and they help where they can, but the won't here and I can't get over it.  Freak out number three.  What the heck am I suppose to do now?  I have no money, and the money I do have is going towards visa fees and Southampton.  If I pay for my classes out of pocket then I can't go to Europe. I could wait for financial aid in the Fall and take classes then but I don't get to go to Southampton.  I could go to Southampton, not graduate and postpone for when I come back.  But to be honest, I don't want to come back.  In my heart of hearts, I meet a cute boy who loves Jesus, we get married and I live in England all of the days.  Freak out number four.  What is Jesus doing to me?   He is showing me that I have no control over my life. None.  The plans I make, are not the plans of the Lord.  I hear the Lord saying GO and I feel the slight twing that I may not graduate beforehand but how and if He chooses those things to play out look completely different from His point of view.  If I believe that God is who He says He is, and He can do what He says He can do then I am who He says I am.  Meaning He is above me, He says I am: daughter, beloved, darling, child, forgiven, covered, clean, righteous and I am. Not because I have earned those things and deserve them but because He loves me. When God says move, you move.  Even if you have no earthly idea which direction you're headed.