Desiring Security While Acting in Disobedience

I like to know what's going on.  I like to know the plan and prepare or brace myself for the outcomes.  How this plays out at work is, there is a schedule that shows when cashiers come in, go to breaks and leave.  I have to look at this dang sheet of paper every time I work, my bosses are technically the only people to see it but I desire the comfort of figuring out who is going to relieve me or when I go to my breaks or who I am going to be working with that day.  I don't think these are necessarily bad things to want to know, but they have absolutely know bearing in my life yet I continue to attempt and look at this sheet even though I shouldn't and have been told I am not allowed to look.

I am a hard-core procrastinator,  mostly because what I have to accomplish is extremely boring and requires effort.  Why would I want to waste effort on things that are boring?  I wouldn't, so I rarely do.  Until the last possible second, and then I am racing the clock to complete the task regretting the opportunities that I didn't take to finish the task well so it doesn't look like a chaotic mess. I have had four years of college and I don't think I ever thought about doing an assignment until the night before it was do.  What the heck? That is ridiculous and no wonder I hate school, I am getting very little out of it aside from stress.  Also, there are other reasons I hate school like the collective conscience that everyone's intelligence should be based on a system that considers everyone the same when in actuality they are individuals with different strengths and weaknesses annnddd I digress.  I am not only allowing this to affect my school, it affects my walk with Christ.

The other day, I was talking with some people about how he or she distinguishes the Lord's voice from his or her own voice.  Do you hear a different voice or do you hear your own voice but you know it's not you?  Majority said that it was there own voice, which was a relief to me because if everyone else heard like a Morgan Freeman voice from God and I'm just over hear listening to this voice that I think is God but it sounds like me, there is a problem.  Side-note: He has started calling me Beloved, which is super precious and helps me figure out if it is really Him or it's just me wanting it to be Him.  Now, the Lord has revealed several things to me recently. 1) I am going to Europe 2) I am graduating in August 3) If I don't start actively pursuing Him I don't get to partake in all the great things He has planned for me. His has revealed other things but those are things blog readers aren't privy to know, sorry boutcha. Since He has revealed these things to me, you would think that I would be earnestly seeking after Him, and I was for a moment.  In those moments, I got accepted to be a part of Transform, I got to see undeserved favor from my teachers. All those things are amazing blessing for the Lord and all have been met with challenges, raising support and meeting visa requirements, the touch and go of passing major classes, and summer financial aid debacle.  In my unfaithfulness, I take on everything trying to figure out what is going on, how I can accomplish the task and I forget to seek the Lord.  Then I remember that if I don't seek Him then I won't be able to do what He has called me to, so I open my Bible but am I seeking His face or am going through the motions and "fooling" God to secure the things He as promised to me? Believing it's the latter, I close my Bible and seek anything that feigns that I have control, which just repeats the cycle.  It stresses me out just thinking about how I think I can use the Author of Salvation as a drive-thru, getting what I want then leaving, and the guilt that is associated upon the realization of using Him as a drive-thru.  This isn't what God wants from me! He wants my joy and satisfaction to be in Him and Him alone.  I can't be satisfied with knowing everything, it's kinda what got us in trouble in the Garden.  Nor can I do put things off and expect the desired results, I have to do the work.  The Lord is constantly teaching me to loosen my grip and come to Him with my hands open to all He has for me.  There is nothing in this world that can offer security, those that promise security are usually marked by stress or unnecessary work to maintain the façade.  Jesus Christ died on the Cross for my sins, His death and resurrection three days later secured my salvation and allow me to have a relationship with an Almighty God.  My life is not about me or about being comfortable, my life is marked by challenges and trials and the fact that God is who He says He is and can do what He says He can do.  That is all the security I need.