Desiring Security While Acting in Disobedience

I like to know what's going on.  I like to know the plan and prepare or brace myself for the outcomes.  How this plays out at work is, there is a schedule that shows when cashiers come in, go to breaks and leave.  I have to look at this dang sheet of paper every time I work, my bosses are technically the only people to see it but I desire the comfort of figuring out who is going to relieve me or when I go to my breaks or who I am going to be working with that day.  I don't think these are necessarily bad things to want to know, but they have absolutely know bearing in my life yet I continue to attempt and look at this sheet even though I shouldn't and have been told I am not allowed to look.

I am a hard-core procrastinator,  mostly because what I have to accomplish is extremely boring and requires effort.  Why would I want to waste effort on things that are boring?  I wouldn't, so I rarely do.  Until the last possible second, and then I am racing the clock to complete the task regretting the opportunities that I didn't take to finish the task well so it doesn't look like a chaotic mess. I have had four years of college and I don't think I ever thought about doing an assignment until the night before it was do.  What the heck? That is ridiculous and no wonder I hate school, I am getting very little out of it aside from stress.  Also, there are other reasons I hate school like the collective conscience that everyone's intelligence should be based on a system that considers everyone the same when in actuality they are individuals with different strengths and weaknesses annnddd I digress.  I am not only allowing this to affect my school, it affects my walk with Christ.

The other day, I was talking with some people about how he or she distinguishes the Lord's voice from his or her own voice.  Do you hear a different voice or do you hear your own voice but you know it's not you?  Majority said that it was there own voice, which was a relief to me because if everyone else heard like a Morgan Freeman voice from God and I'm just over hear listening to this voice that I think is God but it sounds like me, there is a problem.  Side-note: He has started calling me Beloved, which is super precious and helps me figure out if it is really Him or it's just me wanting it to be Him.  Now, the Lord has revealed several things to me recently. 1) I am going to Europe 2) I am graduating in August 3) If I don't start actively pursuing Him I don't get to partake in all the great things He has planned for me. His has revealed other things but those are things blog readers aren't privy to know, sorry boutcha. Since He has revealed these things to me, you would think that I would be earnestly seeking after Him, and I was for a moment.  In those moments, I got accepted to be a part of Transform, I got to see undeserved favor from my teachers. All those things are amazing blessing for the Lord and all have been met with challenges, raising support and meeting visa requirements, the touch and go of passing major classes, and summer financial aid debacle.  In my unfaithfulness, I take on everything trying to figure out what is going on, how I can accomplish the task and I forget to seek the Lord.  Then I remember that if I don't seek Him then I won't be able to do what He has called me to, so I open my Bible but am I seeking His face or am going through the motions and "fooling" God to secure the things He as promised to me? Believing it's the latter, I close my Bible and seek anything that feigns that I have control, which just repeats the cycle.  It stresses me out just thinking about how I think I can use the Author of Salvation as a drive-thru, getting what I want then leaving, and the guilt that is associated upon the realization of using Him as a drive-thru.  This isn't what God wants from me! He wants my joy and satisfaction to be in Him and Him alone.  I can't be satisfied with knowing everything, it's kinda what got us in trouble in the Garden.  Nor can I do put things off and expect the desired results, I have to do the work.  The Lord is constantly teaching me to loosen my grip and come to Him with my hands open to all He has for me.  There is nothing in this world that can offer security, those that promise security are usually marked by stress or unnecessary work to maintain the façade.  Jesus Christ died on the Cross for my sins, His death and resurrection three days later secured my salvation and allow me to have a relationship with an Almighty God.  My life is not about me or about being comfortable, my life is marked by challenges and trials and the fact that God is who He says He is and can do what He says He can do.  That is all the security I need.  

Divine Authority Requires Humble Submission

The Lord is revealing to me that in order to teach you have to be teachable.  That seems logical, but to me that is frustrating.  Learning in the way that the Lord has designed is a constant reminder of how a perfect God has loved such an imperfect person.  I like to think I am perfect, or at least I desire myself to strive for this unattainable goal.  So if I am being taught, then I am not the teacher and I have no control over the lesson plan.

My life is in a state of flux at the moment.  It is driving me insane.  I have no clue what is going on, it is not how I have planned and it is stressing me out.  I may not graduate in August.  I have three classes left and I may not graduate. The summer financial aid offered to me was only loans that my parents can take out, I was not offered any loans for myself.  Freak out number one.  What do I do? My parents can't take out those loans.  I go to the financial aid office, hoping that they have some loan or scholarships for moderately intelligent white kids.  They don't but they do tell me how I can get unsub loans. Holla!  I explain my situation to my parents, telling them all they have to do is fill out the parent loan, they will be denied because of their credit and then I get my college money and I get to graduate.  They have more questions than I have answers and they are not on board with me, but they call the financial aid office and I'm thinking that once they talk to the office they will stop worrying and fill out the dang loan.  I call my mom the next day:

"Hey, so what did financial aid say?"

"They said that we would have to fill out the loan, and just hope we get denied so you get offered more.  But if we on the off chance get the loan, we are stuck paying it and you don't get any other financial aid."

"Yeah, but you are gonna get denied sooo..."

"If we get denied the loan, it looks bad on our credit and we can't have that when we are trying to get a car loan.  We can't fill out the loan."

Freak out number two.  We can't fill out the loan.  I wanted to die. I wanted to scream. I wanted to be selfish.  I paid my way through college, I paid for community college out of pocket and all the loans I have out are in my name.  Why won't they just help me this one time?  I am so dang frustrated, I know that my parents would help if they could and they help where they can, but the won't here and I can't get over it.  Freak out number three.  What the heck am I suppose to do now?  I have no money, and the money I do have is going towards visa fees and Southampton.  If I pay for my classes out of pocket then I can't go to Europe. I could wait for financial aid in the Fall and take classes then but I don't get to go to Southampton.  I could go to Southampton, not graduate and postpone for when I come back.  But to be honest, I don't want to come back.  In my heart of hearts, I meet a cute boy who loves Jesus, we get married and I live in England all of the days.  Freak out number four.  What is Jesus doing to me?   He is showing me that I have no control over my life. None.  The plans I make, are not the plans of the Lord.  I hear the Lord saying GO and I feel the slight twing that I may not graduate beforehand but how and if He chooses those things to play out look completely different from His point of view.  If I believe that God is who He says He is, and He can do what He says He can do then I am who He says I am.  Meaning He is above me, He says I am: daughter, beloved, darling, child, forgiven, covered, clean, righteous and I am. Not because I have earned those things and deserve them but because He loves me. When God says move, you move.  Even if you have no earthly idea which direction you're headed.

Resistant Heart Met by a Persistent God

Gahhhh. I do not want to be writing this post.  Like seriously.  I have like a gajillon versions of what my first blog post was going to be about and this...was not it.  At all. I figured that I would possibly dance around this topic, maybe I would discuss at a later date, ya know once a rapport was established. But right out of the gate? No way. Gahhhh.  I don't want to, I'm all nervous, but here goes nothing.  Sooo, some people might say that my skewed body image, extreme means of restriction and purging of food is ...an eating disorder.  I don't. I would use any other term or synonym just not the actual term.  I hate this. I want to backspace everything and use one of the wonderful, fluffy versions that simply talk about how awesome God is and all the fantastic things He is doing in my life.  I want that.  That is brilliant, nice, safe and comfort.  Unfortunately, for me, the Lord has called me to be a little more real and authentic than I could ever imagine.  He has called me into real fellowship and real community, and those are met with real struggles.  Why does the Lord want me to talk about it now?  I wish I knew.  I feel like Tina Fey in Baby Mama, where she tells a guy on their first date that she wants to have kids.  Awkward information overload.

 At the start of college, I wanted to travel and ask young Christians what it meant to walk in an authentic relationship with Christ and fellow Christians. I wanted to get rid of the stigma of hypocrisy and show that we are not perfect but broken and hurting and in desperate need of a Savior.  However, I was completely unwilling to share my own real struggles. I wanted to say I was broken but still look perfect.  I refused to let anyone come close enough to see exactly where I fall short, it just wasn't going to happen.  The Lord in His sovereignty decided that I would become a part of  a Christian sorority, and attend an amazing Bible based church.  It was at these places, that I began realizing that Christians wanted to walk alongside one another and know his or her heart and where he or she was in relation to the Lord.  That stressed me out, there are only so many times you can say, "I'm fine." to girls you see every day before they realize that may not be true.

 One day, my best friend and I were hanging out and she was like, "You have an eating disorder."  I was taken a back, I know I vaguely mentioned past food struggles to her but for her to call me out like that, I did not take it well.  I told her to leave me alone and that I had everything under control.  It broke her heart, and I thought that if said to her I was trying to get better that she would actually leave me alone and then I could carry on with my behaviors.  I was wrong.  In fact, her and a couple other girls were walking alongside me and doing their best to hold me accountable.  This frustrated me and my flesh,  Why did they care? Why won't they leave me alone? I know it was a frustrating time for them as well, seeing me believe the lies of the enemy and walk in sin rather than believe in Truth and walk in the Light.  After Christmas break, it finally dawned on me that if I want the Lord to use me to advance His Kingdom in ways that He had already revealed to me, then I was going to have start walking with Him and not in sin. This is the moment, I realized why the Lord called me to UNT instead of travelling.  Authentic community.  If I had gone off to travel, even though I wanted authenticity in other, I would have been left alone and that could have been detrimental to my walk.  At UNT, I am surrounded by girls who truly know me and continue to push me towards Christ.  

The Lord in His kindness, is giving me the opportunity to live in Southampton, England for 11 months starting in September.  Leaving is far more daunting than I thought.  Talking about my eating disorder is terrifying and avoided at all costs.  The Lord isn't calling me to be comfortable or safe.  He is calling me to be reliant on Him.  Trusting that He is who He says He is, and He can do what He says He can do.  Sin is never pretty nor does it sustain.  When God says move, you move.  Even if that means saying way to much personal information on a first date.