This Doesn't Feel Like I'm 22

 I can't.  I can't even.  I mean. I can't.  Like what?

You know when something so ridiculous happens, you can't help but make it a joke?  Well, this has become my life. I would like to think of my self as a mature, responsible adult.  My parents have raised me to be a functioning member of society that is independent.  I paid for my education(primarily out of pocket), I pay my own bills(thankful when my parents helped me out, but never asked for help), and I flew across to a completely new continent where I didn't know a single soul.  If that doesn't say I have my ish together and I am talking full advantage of my youth, I don't know what does.

While it may seem that I am this cool, adventures person, I am very much a homebody.  I always enjoyed the social events for Sigma Alpha, but I was equally happy staying home. One thing I am discovering about myself is that I am introverted.  I very rarely will initiate friendships. I am pretty weird and awkward around people and I am already building my life from the ground up with no existing foundation, so often times I am on the computer talking to my friends and family that I love and miss. Where I live, the WiFi is not in constant access.  I turn it on when I use it, and unplug it when I am done.  The rule is beneficial when I am on Pinterest when I should be trying to sleep, and nuisance when I am talking to a friend back home and the WiFi gets turned off.  The internet is the one of the only ways that I am able to talk to everyone, and unless I am at home I am not connected to the world wide web, which for my generation is quite unusual.  I have found it challenging and freeing to not have the world at my fingertips, but nothing could prepare me for this challenge.

Three hours.  What could you do with three hours? What would you do for three hours?  Is it too much, too little?  I guess without context, three hours can mean anything.  How about three hours a day of internet? Is that even possible nowadays?  Well, let me set the scene of how this whole three hours Internet access business came about.  I was summoned out of my room into the lounge.  We sat down to discuss somethings she would like me to change.  Namely, being in my room on the Internet.  I was informed that I am not taking advantage of my time in the UK.  I should meet new people, get out more.  Everyone is new to me, I am introduced to someone new one the regular. Also, at the moment I have a severe case of homesickness, the Internet allows me connect with people that I don't get to see ever. I have thought of deactivating my Facebook for awhile because of the amount of time I spend on it, but I find it is the easiest way to arrange Skype dates.  Let me just say, I thoroughly enjoy my life in Southampton, but another aspect of my life is six hours behind in small town Texas.

Three hours a day, but not in the morning.  I kept my composure on the outside but I did not take this news well.  I feel as though I am a child being grounded.  I am all for parents monitoring their child's internet access. However, I am twenty-two.  I am also not her child, and capable of making my own decisions on what I would consider a successful year abroad.  If that is spending 12 hours on the computer when I have a day off, then so be it. It's my life, YOLO(I'm so sorry I said that but not sorry enough to erase it.) I'll be honest, I can't tell if I don't like this rule because I simply don't like people telling me what to do or if I am being convicted by the Spirit to be wise in how I spend my time and I am terrible with change.

Trusting Jesus in Vulnerbility

So, clearly I have not been blogging for a little over a month now.  I could use a plethora of excuses that could validate my lack of blog posts, but honestly, my lack of posts reflect my lack of fellowship with God.  My blog is about what God is doing in my life and in my relationship with Him, and I can't write about something that isn't happening at the moment.

Some of the questions we reflect on in our Huddles.

As part of my year with Transform, I spend my Tuesdays doing SMD, School of Missional Disciple-Making, learning all Godly leadership, and how to make disciples that make disciples that make disciples.  Right now we are going over Huddles, which are groups that allow for leaders to have support/accountability from one another.  I'm not a big fan of Huddles.  Mostly, because of the expected vulnerability that comes with the group, and I find it difficult being fully transparent with people.

When I was younger I wanted to be the female version of James Dean.  The mysterious new kid that no one can quite figure out.  Well, apparently, I am actually really easy to read. I'm quiet in big groups, especially on the topic of feelings, and I smile when I am uncomfortable and unsure what I am suppose to do.  Both of which were pointed out by my Huddle leaders, when we met up on an individual basis.  I was surprised, and slightly disappointed because that means I was definitely not James Dean-esque.
For the past couple days, I have been dwelling on what it means to trust people and allow myself to share with people on more intimate level.  In reflecting on that, I began looking at how I view the Author of my Salvation and what does trusting in Him actually mean? Do I trust Him with my everything?  Do I trust Him with my feelings?  With my mundane thoughts?  I'm not sure, I think mostly I try and have everything under control, saying that God has control over it and I trust Him, but really I am like a big sister that gives her little sister a Barbie to play with and after ten minutes, the big sister wants the Barbie back because she thinks her sister will break or ruin the Barbie.  God won't ruin my life.  God wants a relationship.  Relationships have feelings, vulnerability, ups, and downs.  He wants it all.

This blog is one of the first steps in vulnerability for me.  I am never like, "Yay, I get to write another blog post!"  I knew in the very beginning that I was going to discuss things I didn't want to talk about.  I knew it would be difficult to share what the Lord is teaching me, rather than just straight up teach.  But I love Jesus.  I love that He died on the Cross for my sins, and defeated the grave by resurrecting three days later.  I love that when I don't want to pursue Him, He was always pursuing me.

In Over My head

I'm not quite sure how to properly express the feelings I am experiencing at the moment.  You know the queasiness in your stomach and the lump in your throat when you are about to do something you feel is completely out of your element?  Yeah, that's me.  So, what is making feel all nervous and anxious? Bible study.  More specifically, a Bible study that I am kinda starting up.

 I wanted to get involved in a home group at ABC, but the thought of joining an already established home group didn't sit well with my Spirit.  In the following weeks, I found girls that I wanted to love on and learn more about Jesus with, but was still unsure how to do this in a non-awkward way.  In a passing conversation with a friend, I discovered that she was not in a home group but would like to be in one but none of the home groups offered fit with her schedule.  I suggested getting together to do a Bible study, and then she told me of other girls not involved in a home group but wanting to be in one.  Now I have a small group of young women about to arrive to my house.  How the heck did this happen?

I think that a majority of my nerves stem from the fact that I don't want to be the leader, and I feel that because I am organizing it, that the girls will look at me like I have everything figured out.  I Don't. I am broken, and I haven't the fainest idea of what I am doing.  I have only participated in Bible studies before, sometimes halfheartedly.  I wish I paid more attention to the studies I did when I was a young Christian, then I think I may feel more prepared. I would feel more competent and not like I am wading in unknown waters.  

I have mixed feelings about the unknown.  By that I mean, I hate planning it is the bane of my existence, however,  the endless possibilities and outcomes wreck havoc on my mind.  Basically, I am an over-thinker.  So in my mind, I have already found a bajillion flaws with the study.  All of them focusing on me and my insecurities. What if I am expected to know all the answers? What if no one talks? What if no one comes, how will that reflect back onto me?  I'm allowing questions like these dictate my actions, instead of trusting in God through this process.  Ultimately, this is about God and giving Him the praise and glory.  We get the privilege of learning more about our Saviour, and share all that He is teaching us on an individual basis with a group of believers. This Bible study is such a great growing opportunity for everyone involved because we get to mold it into exactly what we want and need for our own personal relationship with Christ.  That is way cool.  I get to know Jesus more by what He is doing in the lives of my sisters in Christ.  God is all about relationships, being real and authentic with Him, as well, as each other.  It is a lesson I am constantly being reminded of. I still have no clue what I am doing but I am just going to go with it, trusting that God knows what He is doing.

Ransomed Bride

I have been ransomed. You have been ransomed. We have been ransomed.  I think sometimes we forget that Jesus paid the ransom for us all, for all of us.  We may look at sin, and rank it from Not That Bad to I Can't Believe I/You Did That.  Then we determine whether or not is okay to confess it-to ourselves,someone else, or even Jesus. 

It is extremely aggravating.  A million thoughts come to mind during the process of confession.  A million What ifs. What if they judge me?  What if they don't forgive me?  What if this changes everything?  Then if the worst case scenario is so detrimental, we keep silent. The torture of unspoken struggles seem an easier burden than the knowledge that someone knows our sin.  And not just sin but THE SIN.  The sin that we feel defines us and our sinfulness.  This is a way bigger deal than when you got caught shoplifting teeth whitening strips(True life, this happened when I was 16, I was so devastated at the time, not because I got caught but because it was TEETH WHITENING STRIPS, like who does that? Me.) This is Oh-No-We-Are-On-This-Topic-I-Am-Just-Going-To-Be-Silent sin.  These are all things I have felt and I use the pronoun we, because it makes me feel better thinking I am not alone in this.  

We start to look at ourselves and others through this narrow lens, limiting everything that Jesus can do through us and others.  We see ourselves as broken but not restored.  I know that when I mess up, I just want to curl up in a ball because I have no idea how I am going to get back in God's good graces and if I just don't move then everything will be fine.  The Holy Spirit has to talk me out of this Spiritual depression, reminding me, He sees me as clean and pure.  We have been made perfect by the blood of Jesus, but we are still being sanctified.  What the heck does that mean??? It means that when I mess(and I will because I am human,) The Lord still sees me as perfect.  I am so extremely thankful for this, because now I can be honest when I fall short.  My "major" sin is equal to your "minor" sin, and when God looks at us, He sees no sin.  Hallelujah! I get the privilege of learning all that Jesus has done in your life and share all He has taught me, an ever-changing cycle of what God saved us from to a what He saved us to, which is Himself.

I love when The Lord reminds me of His graciousness.  I love that He has surrounded me with men and women that desire to know God more, and will call me out when I have forgotten how mighty a Saviour I serve.  I am thankful that He met me in my mess and loves me enough to take the punishment I deserve, dying a sinner's death in my place.  I love that He calls me, "MINE."  

Establishing a Community

I LOVE being here.  I know that there are some of you reading this, having mixed emotions about that statement.  Excited that I am exactly where God wants me and sadden by the possibility of my being in a permanent state of here.  It's weird, that after the first full week of being in Southampton, I felt a real peace about the friendships and life I am building in this season.  My entire college career, I felt that I was suppose to be somewhere else, a real urge to just go.  There was always a goal.  If I just get through this term, this year, this degree plan, then I can go.  Now...I just want to be.  I have no endgame.

What does the dream look like?  Honestly, far better than I imagined or could ever put into words.  I get to rely on Jesus, totally dependent of the King of Kings and it is a major blessing.  Of course, I thankfully have the freedom and ability to do that anywhere, an aspect of the blessing is that God is gracious enough to allow me to do it in a place I love and always dreamed of going.  I am surrounded by brothers and sisters in Christ that desire to know Jesus more today than the day before.  It is mental to think of the passion that these men and women have to share the love,grace and mercy of Jesus Christ.  It is such an encouragement to hear what they are learning in his or her personal walk with Jesus, and the desire to serve Him in anyway that can glorify Him and advance His kingdom.

The authenticity at ABC is such an answer to prayers, but also a challenge for me to make sure that I am being as real with them as they are being with me.  I dislike talking about myself, if you have walked with me long enough, you know exactly what I mean.  I share enough to answer the question, but then deflect and tend to turn the conversation back to the other person.  I am more than happy to listen and give advice when necessary.  However, I am surrounded by a group of women that are not letting that happen.  Jules will often share how the Lord is teaching,challenging, and growing her. She is so passionate about what the Lord is doing in her life, I absolutely love hearing her speak, but typically she will end her conversation abruptly saying, "Anyway, what about you, mate?" I am seriously always caught off guard, but I love the fact that she wants me to share everything, not because she is nosy but she wants me to be comfortable and offer advice/help where she can. Jules genuinely wants to know where Jesus and I are in our walk and I am extremely grateful for her friendship. Recently, I was asked, "What are three things you like about yourself?"  Uhhhh....what?  While I tried changing the subject( several times according to Ruth,) I loved that question because it got me thinking about what negative attributes came to mind before the positive, how I see myself, and ultimately how I view the Creator.

While it hasn't even been a full month, my time in Denton seems like a a lifetime ago.  There are things and people I miss, but for the most part, I'm not homesick.  I feel a slight tinge of guilt in admitting that, but I am surrounded by people that teaching me how to love Jesus better, demonstrating that leadership resides in the humble acts of service, and showing me the grace freely given to all by the blood of Jesus on the Cross.  How can I not love it here?

Formation

Has it really been less than a week since I arrived in Southampton?  It feels like I have been here for ages.  The days are sort of blending in together and I am unsure if it is because of the jet lag or because I have done something everyday upon arrival.

Love.  As a leader, I think that sometimes we forget that love is the entire reason we have a relationship with a holy God.  In an abundance of love, He created us to walk along side Him.  When we sinned against Him, He still desired us enough to send His Son to die on the Cross in our place, so that we could be counted as righteous through the blood, death and resurrection of Christ.  These past two days have been excellent reminders that love is at the heart of our ministry, it is easy to begin to see Sunday as another work day, rather than a day to worship and have fellowship with other believers.  I find it fascinating that our ability to love is because He first loved us, so our love for Him is a mere reflection of His love, meaning He gets all the glory and it has absolutely nothing to do with us.  It is all about Jesus.

I wasn't quite sure what to expect Tuesday morning, heading to the Formation conference.  I envisioned team building exercises, and trust falls centering around talks of Jesus.  Yet, what I received was far better.  We arrive to a lunch of hot dogs(more like extra long vienna sausages), nearly fifty other men and women at the camp doing a similar program to Transform in churches all over England.  We get a schedule of the events of the days to come.  It is jam packed from nine in the morning to nine in the evening.  Divided into sections of meals, refreshments, and seminars throughout the day.  Reading the list of seminars, each better than the one previously read.  Into into spiritual leadership, Deepening your doctrine, Growing as a servant. Those are only to name a few.  Everything was Christ-centered.


I met so many great people at Formation.  Everyone got along, mixing and mingling with one another.  The group was so diverse; English, Welsh, Chinese, American(there was a couple from Colorado!), Australian.  Each praising Jesus, thanking Him for the grace we undeserving receive, but gratefully accept.  Despite a wicked case of jet lag, I refused to miss out on the opportunity to have Jesus talks with new friends, often staying up until midnight.  The first night, unpacking what predestination and free will mean, and the impacts either have.  Like many of those conversations, it was left with no definitive answer. The second night, drawing a crude map of the United States and naming off the states with the help of the other American couple.  It's great knowing that God calls so many people to take part of His plan.  We aren't essential, but greatly desired to partake, again what a relief knowing it has everything to do with Him and nothing to do with me.

I don't think there are words for me to accurately sum up everything about these past few days.  I am grateful for the opportunity of soaking up the knowledge and wisdom of more mature Christians.  It was amazing to simply relish in the grace of God, encouraged as each of us embark on a year of reliance and unknown, reminded that God knows the beginning, middle, and end of each story and what this year holds.

Southampton, UK

Well, it has been a few days since arrival. Actually, it's only been one but i feel as though it's been ages since I left the states.  Partly, because of the jet lag and partly, because everything that has gone on since landing in Heathrow.  I was greeted at the airport and immediately whisked away to the Tuck house, a family heavily involved at Above Bar and Transform.  The Tuck family is so welcoming and charming, I love chatting with them. After about an hour, we went to the 11 am morning service.  It is always interesting to see how different churches and cultures worship the same God.  I'm not particularly fond of the worship style but I feel that will change once I become accustomed.  I met so many people after that service, I hardly remember any of their names or faces.   A normal person would go to sleep after such a long flight, but I am not normal.

I had my first English meal after church. I ate gammon, which is ham, mashed potatoes and gravy, and parsnips. While I was anticipating bland food, it was quite flavorful and yummy. One stereotype busted! Actually, not really, because I have had bland food since then. Instead of going to sleep I went to the house I would be staying out, took a nap, and went back to Above Bar for an evening service.  The evening service was more my style. I met EVEN MORE people and had lovely conversations.  I finally went home and passed out.

I woke way earlier than expected, 7:30 in the morning. I was surprised. I unpacked my bags. I have a wardrobe, just like in Narnia! While unpacking I realized that I have very little clothing, it's amazing how little three suitcases hold when you a weight restriction. I took the bus into town. Now, let me just say, I know that English people drive on the "wrong" side of the rode, I was prepared for that, but  I still found my self having mini heart attacks when a car would turn into "on coming traffic." Also, the roads seem only wide enough to be one way, yet are two ways and have cars parked on the street. I feel that helps justify my heart attacks.  At church today we briefly discusses everything that Transform is about, what they desire out of the program and us.  I love how much Dan and Chris emphasize continual pursuit of our own relationship with Christ and how it's just as important to be poured into, as much as it is important to pour out.  There are three other Transform workers, Jules, Luke, and George. I believe that we get along great and will have tons if fun and adventures together.

On the way home, I had a chat with Jules about things The Lord may be challenging her in and how God provides blessings amidst struggles. It was a brief moment but I loved it, and it reminded me about all the Jesus centered discussion I had in Texas.  I got home and realized I forgotten to pack some essentials. Recalling a grocery store not far from where I live, I ventured off to the great unknown of Southampton! Ten minutes into my walk, I feared that I went the wrong way, but, I already committed to the path so I trekked on. Thankfully, I succeeded in finding Sainsbury. Once back home, I got to have a conversation with my best friend, Brittany Mercer. It was so nice to hear her voice and know that an ocean will not hinder the level of intimacy in our friendship.

The hospitality that I have received thus far is such a gift. I have witnessed Jesus in everything that has happened in the last few days, confirming that this is where Jesus meant for me to be.  Although I do miss everyone and knowing exactly what a person is saying, or knowing that when I say outlet, the person knows I mean a wall socket.  These past few days have drawn me closer to Him, so I can only image what eleven months of utter reliance( not that I won't be relying on Him after that, hopefully, you know what I'm trying to convey) can bring forth to my walk.