Formation

Has it really been less than a week since I arrived in Southampton?  It feels like I have been here for ages.  The days are sort of blending in together and I am unsure if it is because of the jet lag or because I have done something everyday upon arrival.

Love.  As a leader, I think that sometimes we forget that love is the entire reason we have a relationship with a holy God.  In an abundance of love, He created us to walk along side Him.  When we sinned against Him, He still desired us enough to send His Son to die on the Cross in our place, so that we could be counted as righteous through the blood, death and resurrection of Christ.  These past two days have been excellent reminders that love is at the heart of our ministry, it is easy to begin to see Sunday as another work day, rather than a day to worship and have fellowship with other believers.  I find it fascinating that our ability to love is because He first loved us, so our love for Him is a mere reflection of His love, meaning He gets all the glory and it has absolutely nothing to do with us.  It is all about Jesus.

I wasn't quite sure what to expect Tuesday morning, heading to the Formation conference.  I envisioned team building exercises, and trust falls centering around talks of Jesus.  Yet, what I received was far better.  We arrive to a lunch of hot dogs(more like extra long vienna sausages), nearly fifty other men and women at the camp doing a similar program to Transform in churches all over England.  We get a schedule of the events of the days to come.  It is jam packed from nine in the morning to nine in the evening.  Divided into sections of meals, refreshments, and seminars throughout the day.  Reading the list of seminars, each better than the one previously read.  Into into spiritual leadership, Deepening your doctrine, Growing as a servant. Those are only to name a few.  Everything was Christ-centered.


I met so many great people at Formation.  Everyone got along, mixing and mingling with one another.  The group was so diverse; English, Welsh, Chinese, American(there was a couple from Colorado!), Australian.  Each praising Jesus, thanking Him for the grace we undeserving receive, but gratefully accept.  Despite a wicked case of jet lag, I refused to miss out on the opportunity to have Jesus talks with new friends, often staying up until midnight.  The first night, unpacking what predestination and free will mean, and the impacts either have.  Like many of those conversations, it was left with no definitive answer. The second night, drawing a crude map of the United States and naming off the states with the help of the other American couple.  It's great knowing that God calls so many people to take part of His plan.  We aren't essential, but greatly desired to partake, again what a relief knowing it has everything to do with Him and nothing to do with me.

I don't think there are words for me to accurately sum up everything about these past few days.  I am grateful for the opportunity of soaking up the knowledge and wisdom of more mature Christians.  It was amazing to simply relish in the grace of God, encouraged as each of us embark on a year of reliance and unknown, reminded that God knows the beginning, middle, and end of each story and what this year holds.

Southampton, UK

Well, it has been a few days since arrival. Actually, it's only been one but i feel as though it's been ages since I left the states.  Partly, because of the jet lag and partly, because everything that has gone on since landing in Heathrow.  I was greeted at the airport and immediately whisked away to the Tuck house, a family heavily involved at Above Bar and Transform.  The Tuck family is so welcoming and charming, I love chatting with them. After about an hour, we went to the 11 am morning service.  It is always interesting to see how different churches and cultures worship the same God.  I'm not particularly fond of the worship style but I feel that will change once I become accustomed.  I met so many people after that service, I hardly remember any of their names or faces.   A normal person would go to sleep after such a long flight, but I am not normal.

I had my first English meal after church. I ate gammon, which is ham, mashed potatoes and gravy, and parsnips. While I was anticipating bland food, it was quite flavorful and yummy. One stereotype busted! Actually, not really, because I have had bland food since then. Instead of going to sleep I went to the house I would be staying out, took a nap, and went back to Above Bar for an evening service.  The evening service was more my style. I met EVEN MORE people and had lovely conversations.  I finally went home and passed out.

I woke way earlier than expected, 7:30 in the morning. I was surprised. I unpacked my bags. I have a wardrobe, just like in Narnia! While unpacking I realized that I have very little clothing, it's amazing how little three suitcases hold when you a weight restriction. I took the bus into town. Now, let me just say, I know that English people drive on the "wrong" side of the rode, I was prepared for that, but  I still found my self having mini heart attacks when a car would turn into "on coming traffic." Also, the roads seem only wide enough to be one way, yet are two ways and have cars parked on the street. I feel that helps justify my heart attacks.  At church today we briefly discusses everything that Transform is about, what they desire out of the program and us.  I love how much Dan and Chris emphasize continual pursuit of our own relationship with Christ and how it's just as important to be poured into, as much as it is important to pour out.  There are three other Transform workers, Jules, Luke, and George. I believe that we get along great and will have tons if fun and adventures together.

On the way home, I had a chat with Jules about things The Lord may be challenging her in and how God provides blessings amidst struggles. It was a brief moment but I loved it, and it reminded me about all the Jesus centered discussion I had in Texas.  I got home and realized I forgotten to pack some essentials. Recalling a grocery store not far from where I live, I ventured off to the great unknown of Southampton! Ten minutes into my walk, I feared that I went the wrong way, but, I already committed to the path so I trekked on. Thankfully, I succeeded in finding Sainsbury. Once back home, I got to have a conversation with my best friend, Brittany Mercer. It was so nice to hear her voice and know that an ocean will not hinder the level of intimacy in our friendship.

The hospitality that I have received thus far is such a gift. I have witnessed Jesus in everything that has happened in the last few days, confirming that this is where Jesus meant for me to be.  Although I do miss everyone and knowing exactly what a person is saying, or knowing that when I say outlet, the person knows I mean a wall socket.  These past few days have drawn me closer to Him, so I can only image what eleven months of utter reliance( not that I won't be relying on Him after that, hopefully, you know what I'm trying to convey) can bring forth to my walk.

Allons-y!

I can't believe it's here.  A mere seven hours before my plane takes off and then I will be in Southampton, England.  Fourteen hours later of course, but still.  I am trying to process all the emotions at the moment. I think that once I get onto the plane, I will be able to relax and just enjoy this gift that God has given me.  Right now, I am simply thinking of all the things that can still go wrong on the way from my driveway to the airport.  But those are distractions, and nothing can stop me from going if it is His will for me to be there.  Jesus is so stinkin' good to me!

 The overwhelming amount of grace and blessings that have been an out pour of God's steadfast love for me is truly humbling.  I have done nothing to deserve going to England.  Europe had become an idol, and I was pursuing my flesh because I thought it would bring more satisfaction than the presence of God. I didn't even care that is was untrue and weighed myself down with what the world said mattered, but Jesus beckoned me back to Him. Thankfully, I realized how satisfying Jesus is and surrendered my idols, having no desire to step foot in England or a European country.  A week later Above Bar Church emailed asking for an interview for Transform.  There was so much discernment in accepting the interview, I had just given this idol up and I specifically asked God for the people at Above Bar to either not respond or tell me no.  I always get a chuckle at how many times I have asked something of God and He, in His all knowing kindness, did the exact opposite.  I am extremely blessed that the Lord gave me back something that my heart desired.  However, I would just like to say that does not always happen.  Giving something up to God, doesn't mean He will give it back once you have learned your lesson, that is law not grace. Giving up whatever you hold dearest means you are giving Him complete control and trust, allowing Him to do His will for your life that will bring the most glory to His name.  Sometimes He gives it back, other times He has something better.

A common question I have been getting lately is, what am I most nervous/scared about? Mostly, I am nervous about creating new relationships and community.  I have amazingly Godly friends that push me towards Christ even when I don't want to. There have been moments where I am afraid that this isn't where Jesus wants me, but then I remind myself all that has occurred over the last few moments, and it is clear that I am meant to go to Southampton.  I am so thankful for my relationship with Christ and the opportunity to grow in my walk by being completely out of my comfort zone.  My dear friend, Kourtney Carnes, reminded me that if I am walking in His will and all I have is the Lord, what a great place to be! I get to be with Him and comforted by the Highest of High.  I can't wait for this new season to begin. I love that God is allowing me to be used for His Kingdom and glory.

Season Finale

I moved out of my apartment today. It is surreal knowing that I no longer live with Mariah or Paige, and if I want to come over I have to knock. Driving out of Denton and towards Prosper, I couldn't help but have a heavy heart as I leave the town that I made my home for the past two years and friends that I did life with on a regular basis.  It is hard for me to fully grasp how soon this chapter of my life is ending.

I never imagined that I would be living in Denton, or attending University of North Texas.  I thought that Denton was too close to home for comfort and that UNT is a slight step up from community college.  Yet, I am so thankful for a God that has a better plan for my life than I fathom.  He knew that Denton was were I needed to be to draw closer to Him.  Staying local allowed me the freedom to see my family, or receive their help if needed.  UNT enabled me find a group of girls that love the Lord and desire to know Him more, and it redirected my career path.  Denton is one of those towns that you love or hate.  It's weird, funky, and overrun by hipsters, but I love it dearly.  I would not have wanted to go to any other college.  However, I am so thankful that I am done with school. FINALLY.

Graduating on time seemed like an unrealistic goal.  I dislike school, and my GPA reflected the sentiment.  Wellll, mostly it reflects what happens when you take a high GPA, decide to take fifteen hours and never attend or withdraw from class.  The things I would do differently if I was nineteen again.  However, the fact that I am graduating the summer I was intended to graduate is such a blessing, I did not expect that when I walked into my advising appointment last fall. Getting my degree in August allows me to go to Southampton and not worry about school. EVER AGAIN.

The one thing that I am bummed about no longer being in college is Sigma Alpha.  Sigma is exactly want I needed starting UNT in 2011, without it I would have simply gone to work, school, and church.  Checking the boxes as I went on.  I found many of my best friends in the sorority and they have all pushed me past my comfortability and towards Christ.  I am so thankful for each of those girls, and I am going to miss them so much.

Jesus knew what He was doing when He redirected me to Denton.  I had no clue what was in store for me over the next few years, when I registered for classes.  He gave me a passion for a particular people group and a heart to mission, but before I could share the amazing grace and mercy offered by Jesus' death and resurrection, I needed to focus on my personal relationship with Him.  I thought I was gonna travel the world and share the Word, and get results, but never allowing the vulnerability of sharing myself or my struggles. He has shone me time and time again that it is all about the relationship. Jesus and me, the church and me, accountability partners and me.  I am never alone.  I have to do life and do it with others, whether I am having a good day or bad day.  Showing my weaknesses and seeing how they are made strong through Christ is amazing and is what is so attractive about the Gospel.  I will never be able to reconcile myself to God, but HE wanted a relationship with ME that He sent His Son to die on the Cross, conquering death three days later, reconciling me to God through His blood.  It's never about me, and I am never alone.  Denton, a few degrees cooler than Dallas.

Adding a Single Hour

Remember the night before you began middle school or junior high or whatever name you called the grades in between elementary school and high school, you dreamed you are assigned the top locker but are far too short to reach the combination? The shear panic that engulfs you. You are not ready, you can't do this, not now, maybe it isn't too late for your mother to home school you.  For me, I was so nervous that I put my new school outfit on at 3 am, causing my mother to think I slept in my outfit unknowing that I barely slept that night.  Perhaps, you didn't have this dream or anxiety towards the sixth grade but I am sure I am not alone in the overactive imagination of the unknown.  This is my life.

I can't sleep very well.  I go to bed just before the sun rises only to wake moments after the sun peaks out from the horizon.  I haven't been able to nap or go for a run.  I am wound up with no release.  Please, don't talk to me or touch me, your very presence annoys me.  A list runs through my head of what needs to get done.  The list is not just one of the day, week, or month, this list gets me from point A to point B. Denton to Southampton.  The list does not seem to be getting any shorter, in fact it seems to be getting longer.  I go over every situation.  If I had done x instead of y then I wouldn't have to worry about z.  Was this really the right decision? Is this what God wanted me to do?  There was nothing inherently wrong with it, but could it have been postponed? How is this going to affect my life in England?  Is England still an option?  What if I made the wrong decision and now I can't go?  Should I just back out before I get told no?  Maybe I should talk to the Lord about this?  What if He says something I don't like, He does that sometimes.  Ahhhhhhhhh.  No.  I can't.  I decide that God will most certainly say something I do not want to hear, therefore, I will simply keep on keeping on.  I can sleep when I'm dead.  I know I'm wrong. My God does not say anything to hurt me but to heal me and if I don't get something it is for His glory and my betterment(is this a word? if not it is now) not because He is cruel that would be contradictory to His character.  I know this.  So, why is there a disconnect in my mind, thinking that giving my stresses and anxieties to the Lord is an automatic forfeit of the blessings He has rewarded/preparing me for?  

Greatness is formed in the hearts of the humble and obedient through trials.  Throughout the Bible, God shaped men and women into something remarkable.  Moses, Deborah, Rahab, David, Esther, Peter, Paul.  There is a clear transformation from what they once were to people God molded them to bring His name glory, it is not always easy or desired, depending on how much God has revealed.  I don't want to be great but I do want to glorify Him and bring glory to His name.  I so desperately want to see all God has planned this next year that I have forgot He is my manna and instead focused on little things, holding on to them as though they had the answers.  Everything is already His. My worries, triumphs, anxieties, and victories, known to Him far before they occur, I give it back to Him as a reminder to myself that He says who He says He is and can do all He says He can do.

The Perspective of a King

I'm awkward.  I'm the girl that doesn't think before she speaks, and ends up putting her foot in her mouth.  The girl that makes obscure movie references, and then has to explain said reference.  The one  that is about to graduate college with a Little Mermaid blanket and Pillow Pets on her bed.  I have heard that awkwardness is a phase many people tend to grow out of after middle school.  I on the other hand, seem to be increasingly more awkward with each passing year.  My quirks have given me an acute awareness of self and a keen sense of humor.  Yet, the view I hold of myself cannot compare to the view that a King has of me.

Enthrall.  I love that word. It is such a deep, throaty word, I can't help but fall in love.  Enthrall.  Ahhh, if a boy told me he was in enthralled by me, I think I would ask him to marry me.  Just kidding, but my knees would definitely buckle after that sentence.  Here I am gushing over the possible fantasy of a man being enthralled, and I miss out on the beauty in Scripture, the king is enthralled by me(Ps. 45:11)!  How can a man compare to an eternal King?  I get so tunneled vision on wondering where on Earth this man that is going to make my heart flutter is, that I forget I already have it all in Christ.  Gosh, this sounds so similar to every romantic comedy.  I apologize for the cheesiness, I will try and contain it from now on.  Every word uttered by Jesus Christ is well thought out, and effortlessly articulated.  He never says anything that is untrue.  Yet, it seems easier to discount the adoration of a Savior than the infatuation of man.  

Everyone knows that the perfect and the imperfect do not go together.  When I focus on my imperfections and measure them to the perfection of Christ, of course they are not going to go fit.  It is like putting a puzzle together.  You have two pieces that you know are in the same section but need a third piece to complete the scene.  The interlocking puzzle piece between perfection and imperfection is grace.  The grace extended to me by the Cross, allows me to have a relationship with a perfect God.  Enables me to be seen beautiful and without blemish by a King(Sg. 4:7).  I can continue to see myself as what the world deems attractive and manipulate my body to fit such an outlandish definition or I can see myself as God deems attractive and embrace everything that I am because I am who He says I am.  I don't have to change, simply accept.  I may never have an Earthly husband, who knows the crazy plans the Lord has for me, and other than rendering my wedding board on Pinterest useless,  it should have no affect on my life because I have a Heavenly husband. My worth is not defined by the world but by the blood dripping down a man in a crown of thorns and in a definitive voice calling me His.  So why settle for the stable boy when I can have the King?  

Desiring Security While Acting in Disobedience

I like to know what's going on.  I like to know the plan and prepare or brace myself for the outcomes.  How this plays out at work is, there is a schedule that shows when cashiers come in, go to breaks and leave.  I have to look at this dang sheet of paper every time I work, my bosses are technically the only people to see it but I desire the comfort of figuring out who is going to relieve me or when I go to my breaks or who I am going to be working with that day.  I don't think these are necessarily bad things to want to know, but they have absolutely know bearing in my life yet I continue to attempt and look at this sheet even though I shouldn't and have been told I am not allowed to look.

I am a hard-core procrastinator,  mostly because what I have to accomplish is extremely boring and requires effort.  Why would I want to waste effort on things that are boring?  I wouldn't, so I rarely do.  Until the last possible second, and then I am racing the clock to complete the task regretting the opportunities that I didn't take to finish the task well so it doesn't look like a chaotic mess. I have had four years of college and I don't think I ever thought about doing an assignment until the night before it was do.  What the heck? That is ridiculous and no wonder I hate school, I am getting very little out of it aside from stress.  Also, there are other reasons I hate school like the collective conscience that everyone's intelligence should be based on a system that considers everyone the same when in actuality they are individuals with different strengths and weaknesses annnddd I digress.  I am not only allowing this to affect my school, it affects my walk with Christ.

The other day, I was talking with some people about how he or she distinguishes the Lord's voice from his or her own voice.  Do you hear a different voice or do you hear your own voice but you know it's not you?  Majority said that it was there own voice, which was a relief to me because if everyone else heard like a Morgan Freeman voice from God and I'm just over hear listening to this voice that I think is God but it sounds like me, there is a problem.  Side-note: He has started calling me Beloved, which is super precious and helps me figure out if it is really Him or it's just me wanting it to be Him.  Now, the Lord has revealed several things to me recently. 1) I am going to Europe 2) I am graduating in August 3) If I don't start actively pursuing Him I don't get to partake in all the great things He has planned for me. His has revealed other things but those are things blog readers aren't privy to know, sorry boutcha. Since He has revealed these things to me, you would think that I would be earnestly seeking after Him, and I was for a moment.  In those moments, I got accepted to be a part of Transform, I got to see undeserved favor from my teachers. All those things are amazing blessing for the Lord and all have been met with challenges, raising support and meeting visa requirements, the touch and go of passing major classes, and summer financial aid debacle.  In my unfaithfulness, I take on everything trying to figure out what is going on, how I can accomplish the task and I forget to seek the Lord.  Then I remember that if I don't seek Him then I won't be able to do what He has called me to, so I open my Bible but am I seeking His face or am going through the motions and "fooling" God to secure the things He as promised to me? Believing it's the latter, I close my Bible and seek anything that feigns that I have control, which just repeats the cycle.  It stresses me out just thinking about how I think I can use the Author of Salvation as a drive-thru, getting what I want then leaving, and the guilt that is associated upon the realization of using Him as a drive-thru.  This isn't what God wants from me! He wants my joy and satisfaction to be in Him and Him alone.  I can't be satisfied with knowing everything, it's kinda what got us in trouble in the Garden.  Nor can I do put things off and expect the desired results, I have to do the work.  The Lord is constantly teaching me to loosen my grip and come to Him with my hands open to all He has for me.  There is nothing in this world that can offer security, those that promise security are usually marked by stress or unnecessary work to maintain the façade.  Jesus Christ died on the Cross for my sins, His death and resurrection three days later secured my salvation and allow me to have a relationship with an Almighty God.  My life is not about me or about being comfortable, my life is marked by challenges and trials and the fact that God is who He says He is and can do what He says He can do.  That is all the security I need.